just a little pissed

dear readers,

I would like to be as kind as I possibly could. but truth is, I am fighting inside of me. the war between the angel version of myself against the devil part of me, and I wonder if this situation were to fall upon you. what would you do ?

they say God  wanted to test my patience. how long can I hold on ?
this fcking story is ending, because I am just too tired to keep this drama going.
but by ending it, I had few option in hand on how exactly I would like the ending to be.
People who doesn't know the whole story wouldn't understand the crap that I am talking about.

the thing is, if I am evil enough. I can ruin someone's happiness right now with just a snap of my finger. but then, I am sure that this is not what The Almighty would be expecting from me, I bet I was expected to be more patience in handling this emotions inside of me.

Few months has passed.
another 13th is on its way, but im just thinking maybe the last 13th was the closing line for that relationship. a relationship that he find not worth keeping, a relationship that he find not precious enough. I did feel annoyed knowing that his EX contacted him back, i don't like the way the contacted each other and don't say that it's just being all normal because i heard this before and stuff happened. actually i don't mind if she just wanted to know how he is doing, but hmm.. make sure that they don't cross the line. that's all.

you should know baby, the next time you decided to come back inside my heart. you better make sure you wont repeat the same mistake ever again! PS/ kindly pay back all the bruise and scars you left in my heart.


i am just that evil but because i cared you more than my own ego-ness, therefore i am holding the last bullet in hand. i could do evil things, real shit! cause i am just that mad, so don't ever put the opportunity infront of me because i cant promise that i wouldn't attack! i would not even think twice to attack!

respect people, don't piss me off.

is it worth it?

theres someone out there who loves you, who has seen the worst of you and still loves you. who you've hurt badly yet still loves you, who have been through the thick and thin with you, who doesnt mind whatever future she would be having as long as its with you. are you sure she isnt worth keeping? just think about the future  once more and potray your life without her. could you have imagine how would it be like? are you okay with that? if yes then, continue on _

whats on my mind

dear readers, wanna know whats in my mind? im thinking about my next step_ the next step that i will be taking. 

a voice whispers inside me and ask me to be patient and go with the flow_ but my heartache tells me that it doesnt wanna go back to the same place all over again. same Question_ am i afraid of  feeling the pain riding inside my heart? oh yesh, that feeling can break me apart. i am willing to go with the flow, but im afraid to reach the point where history might repeats itself. i rather run away from this feeling rather then carry on and meet it again. 

i should own no feelings, no emotions and no thoughts_ only if i have the ability to do so. sighs* what are the signs The Almighty is trying to show me? i know one thing is that_ his going to be with me for quite some time. 

Ya Allah, it hurts to know. it hurts to ecen imagined it what more if it becomes reality. i wished that i wont meet that situation. amin :') 

stay strong babygirl_ just let everything be. you have no attachments, so if you cant handle it. anytime just_ know that you dont have ti report to anyone. 

truly yours,

diqtasmers

PS/ i know what you did. 😔

14th Dec 2013

Just another thought for the day, i would like to thank the Almighty for always being there for me. nowadays, everything seems to be more stable, my heart felt calmer but then worried at the same time perhaps im just havingg trauma. but im all shield (hopefully) that no matter what happens, i would still accept it and move on. by moving on, im referring to lose all contact because i wouldnt be able to accept the fact that i lost the person i love unless i lie to myself that you never really existed. :') 

the choice of life. 

honestly, i sense something bad. recently, my dad is not at his best condition. he keep saying that he got things to discuss with me, he keep saying that he felt exhausted and tired. i know its not a good sign. just keep praying that he will stay strong. :'( 

but daddy's intention was for me to have a job. a stable job, a stable pay and for him he believed that it would lead me to a stable life. but im sure that's not the life that i am looking forward to, because my heart burns for achievements that i am able to achieve with my hands. the ideas and growth that i am able to shower in my company that i am building is what's getting my attention. i desire freedom, i desire my space to do whatever i want to. _ so sorry daddy, at this moment. im not agreeing to your plan. parents are the best because they care and they worries their children's future but being worried doesnt help. supports and encouragements would help alot, and you will be amazed what we (children) can do. things that you never imagined from us, just when you allow us to shine on our own. :)

_relationship

its killing me alive but im glad that i am breathing now, everything seems to be alright but im still worried, i need an assurance. till he gives me the assurance that history will not repeat itself and that heart will be then be faithful for me. ;) but .. im not sure actually what i really want. 😔 we both have our family problems, just hope that we could be one and share our family problems together. _yesterday was our 2nd year anniversary, im just glad we are still counting. 

dear baby, i know your having trobles at heart. but know that i am always here, just like i said i would for the past 2 years and it will still be the same. i do love you still. :') 

truly yours,

diqtasmers

would you have understand the emptiness within me?

would you have understand?

the feeling that I am feeling right now.
I should be grateful, to be able to see you smile, to hear your laughs, to hear your lovely voices. but then .. I feel the emptiness within me, maybe because I am lost. I am lost in between deciding my future. do you know? it was never easy for us to be together, we are like two different people from two different kind of world trying to be together. but do you love me enough to fight for this love? cause one moment, I see you giving up and chasing something that you felt that you desire the most. you left me by the corner and ran for the floating balloon that is reaching for the sky. but while your chasing after that balloon, I got myself hurt while holding on to you.

_ love or _

but baby..in the end, we are still here together holding each others hand. is this faith? part of me always tells me that we are cant be separate, do you feel the same way? I could say I love you, but I am afraid you don't feel the same way. if you do feel the same way, would you be willing to fight for this love once more? would you be faithful this time and wont let go of my hand anymore? Question is_ would you be ready to spend the rest of your life with me?

life is_

what if, what if I decide to leave? what if .. would you hold my hand tightly and asked me not leave? would you show me how much you cared and needed me in your life? Question is_ do you love me earnestly with your heart? baby, I wished to tell you I love you, please tell me that you do too.. before I have a change of heart.


truly yours,
diqtasmers

Just another day'

dear love,

i miss you, i miss you so much that my heart aches. but i do my best to hold this feeling to myself and honestly, the pain of missing you and your love never stops for the past 4months, appox 120days :') 

but love is the most foolish thing ever, cause after the hitch i could still love you with all my heart. i could give you my most sincere and true love, i could be faithful to you till whenever. i dont mind whatever life i will be having with you, poor or rich - i dont mind, as long as we are always together and trying to find a way out for this life. 

the life i want, is to be with you.

but maybe right now, you have imagined life differently for yourself. cause maybe in your imagination, the person beside you and the person that you desire to have a life with is not 'me'.

i know you are waiting for her. but just remember that, this is the last battle. if you had decided to go over for her, i would be saying my 'farewell' :') 

i miss everything that we used to have. i love you so much :') soon, its our 2nd anniversary. i hope it still matters to you. please make up your mind. i really wish that your final answer will be me :) so that my heart can finally rejoice and be at peace. now its always in a war against pain and sorrow. 

im ready to spend the rest of my life with you. <3 H

worth it?

baby, i can assure you that i am the kind of love that will always be there for you through thick and thin. i am the kind of love that you can keep and not afraid of losing. i am the kind of love that wont leaves you. 

but one of us have to leave, because you can't have both.. you had to make a decision on continue waiting for her for years to come & be together then understand that in the process of waiting for this to happen, i will not be in part of your life. because soon, i might leave this place and just start something out there - who cares if its easy or hard cause i just need an escape from this epic fail relationship that i once trusted and had faith on. 

i love your imagination, on how you have visioned your future with her, your family and her, and etc. *claps claps claps* if that is what you desire then please let me know early, just say ' i made up my mind that ..... ' it might hurt me.. ya, i might just faint but atleast there's a settlement. 

but then, think again about us .. about your family and me, about you and me.. you know we can work out again, imagine 2 years! we still carry on together, even so many problem.. but have you realized that we are still together actually? how many relationship can hang on like this even after so many problem :') its not easy to entirely accept a person, and love them.. and i did.. 

what if ... when you are in a relationship and then something bad happen and you guys cant last long, sorng inda tahan kah or inda sanggup kah. jadinya, inda ko nyasal kan? sdh th, stop confusing youself.. 

i dont know what advise to share anymore' you know best.. if you guys gonna carry on like this for few months lagi, then paham tah ku tu ;) i'd just keluar dari hidup mu sja :) simple.

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one more thing, believes the sign God has given you and stop being stuborn.. i understand what the signs God is showing me, too much actually.. but then it keep going on... its a test for me, to be a better person for you.. malas panjang kata. i keep telling you already, even last night.. so think ya :) 

7 more days till our 2nd anniversary! :)

love, 

diqtasmers!

nightmare ;

i had a nightmare. it was no ordinary nightmare because this nightmare knows my deepest fear, or its just me overthinking. :D 

but the fact the my fear seems to be hunting me. i hope it goes far away from me, maybe if i dont care too much it, if i cared less, maybe i wouldnt even fear that it would come back. 

i had to stop doing that thing, the evil that takes over me. i had to stop it from taking control. 😔 

the pain of love is what truly changes us. 😔 dear love, you may not love me.. you may lost your heart for me but i never stop loving you ever since i fell in love with you.. and i will keep this feeling until it fades away automatically. but the pain of loving you really kills me, when you stop caring for me, when you hide your text with other girls.. when you dont seems to see that i am hurt when im just beside you. and yes i cant take it anymore. if your not coming back to me anytime soon, im leaving :')

soon to be '

Maybe you heard, maybe you knew, maybe you just pretend that you didn't hear them..
Just maybe you choose to ignore, even when you hear the sounds of my heart breaking..

02.12.13

waking up late, everything seems well. the last time we fought was considered a long time already. maybe you could still recall everything clearly, but for me those arguments are not important. arguments is when two people trying to show that they are right, but I'm DONE being right ( I'm tired of proving that i am right ) . i rather be wrong, i rather lose an argument than to lose you.

we watched a movie together, and on the way back to the car. it was raining and you walked quite quickly. i was showered with rain, and so are you.. suddenly, i miss the feeling of being cared by you. :') but i know i shouldn't feel this way. i know i should hide all this feelings and keep it to myself. but i guess you knew it all along, but you always said that 'you don't need all this from me, you never asked for it' - you said you don't need my love and care anymore, when these were the things you craved for in the past. (fine, let's not bring ourselves to the past)

i miss you :') 
totally miss you so so much. 

i hope when you have decided to come back to me, please make sure that this time.. you wont leave me. :')

but if you will never come back, ... I'd ( save it for later)

where is the road leading me?

i sorta lost count of time, i wish i could understand why things happen in my life. first, i had to recognize how lucky i actually am to have the people around me, whom were always there to support and was always there when i needed someone. i truly appreciate their presents in my life, and this i will forever remember for what they did and sacrifice for me. i am really blessed that, i am always surround with lovely people.

dear life, kindly do explain to me why would it be that hard to separate?
dear life, kindly do let me know why is this happening to my life.. dear life, please just let me know ... why.. 

cause im lost and confuse by the happenings in my life. as at one point, (many point actually) when i choose to walk .. in the end, i end up at the same place..

Just Another Day`

You said you had your own reason, well .. i believed that reason was selfish enough because it broke my precious heart into million pieces. :') but what more words can say, i do not want to fight, nor do i want to do anything to .. hurt you even tho i know the truth. like you said, "God is fair, when something is not right, soon it will be revealed " and yes, i know what's behind scene and it wasn't pretty at all.

I might choose to not do anything because, it seems that your so 'desperate' till you actually do what you did just in order to achieve your own desire. but i hope you knew that all this while, there wasn't really any of my desire .. i was always trying to achieve the same dream as you dream.. the dream of, living a good life together and helping your family was my dream along side with you. And now, you created another dream with someone else.. :')

again what more words can say, if you believe that you made the right decision then there's nothing more i could do. :) 
again, you said you had your reasons.. 

soon, i'd be away. i would be out of this. 
as you wished, because you should know that.. you cant have both and you even said it yourself.. that if you had her, you wont need me anymore. 

my birthday.

who would have imagined that, the person whom i met two years ago.. and ever since that day, i was always with him when he needed me. most of all, i was always there for him. but on my very special 21st birthday, he could only afford to spare 2 hours of his time for me. :') how saddening but i bet there's more sad story out there.

does the moral of 'treat someone as how you wanted to be treated' even make any sense? i totally disagree :) cause it doesn't.

it's been almost 3 months where it all started to crash, and it's been 2 months ever since he decided to find something new in his life. at first, it was really hard for me to accept the fact that this is really happening and everyday i fight to smile, fight to stop the pain that is crushing me inside until today eventho he lied, he sins, he broke this precious heart of mine to have someone else's heart, yet this heart still loves and cares him dearly, therefore there goes the word ' love is blind ' 

And he would never ever be able to debate with me by the fact that ' he never truly loves me ' he doesnt understand that love means to accept one another no matter what, no matter how hard, how difficult still you never ever gave up on one another. because whatever i've encountered with him this 2 years, never had i ever thought of finding someone else. worst is, even after this happened. i still loves him and if i may say, i still do loves him with all my heart. if that was even possible but i still love God as well. 

i would try to pray for signs whether are we meant to be or are we not. if signs have shown that we are not meant to be, i will move away. indeeed there's alot of signs, but what is to believe when this heart always tells me that .. your the one...

if we arent meant to be, then perhaps you should make an effort not to meet me as well. 
so shall this relationship but to an end, and i shall never want to know a person like you, you shall own no right to even call me by my name. hopefullyy never ever say that i am your 'ex chinese' or whatsoever, consider we were never together and that you never knew me. 

you took our two year relationship for granted. tsk*



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Dear God,

indeed You are new to me, i've just started to learn more about You. i pray that You'll help to mend my shattered heart back and keep me strong. i would like to say that MEETING him is such a mistake but i know that You wouldn't say that because this was all under Your Plan. what more words could say, i know that this is all my punishment for sinning against You. i pledge for forgiveness but yet i still sin, therefore i know that this was all my punishment to test me to test my faith. 

i really pray that, you'll show me the right way. :') because my heart would really need a break from being hurt. 

amin.....

when the clock strike twelve,

when the clock strike twelve, it meant 'my day' has just started. 
13th November marks a very special day in my life, it was the date that God send me down to earth. 

2 years ago, might or might not be a mistake for me, because it only blossoms for 20 months and it sorta died. nonetheless, i wasn't as excited as i was before because the amount of disappointment i experienced had crushed my hope entirely. 

So no matter what might my 21st birthday turns out to be. i will still choose to enjoy every last second of it. Because it's really really hopeless, and i couldn't expect anything more to disappoint me all over again.

(to be continued)

this happiness is killing me.

26.10.2013

This Happiness Is Killing Me ;

Might have you know that "Happiness" is something that i felt was missing  in my life for a long long time, something that i seek for, something that i was always longing for.

Almost 2 years ago, thank God that i found someone to fill this missing piece in my heart. He then became my happiness, the happiness that i am now holding on tightly no matter how many bruise that i've got along the way.. i am still holding on.. not willing to let go..

the road seems to be very unclear now, there's no exact answer because there wasn't any answer here on earth, words from man is not sufficient enough to be an answer. because our 'faith' and 'destiny' is all written by God, and the best thing i could ever do is pray.

let's say one day .. one day, who knows.. maybe.. maybe.. just maybe..

if that ever happens, that i lost that happiness that i am holding on to.. im sure, it would break me apart. yes, it's easy to say this and that but ... my heart would shattered into million pieces.. i guess, i wont be able to handle myself, i would lose myself.. 

what i really really hope for is that, hoping that happiness wont let go of me that easily.. recalling all that we've been through, it was never easy but we were perfect for each other. the wonderful love that we had, i wished to continue that journey of love till whenever. some part of me still believes, still believes that he was still the same person i knew when i first met him. his still that kind hearted boy, that lovely boy whose so wonderful to me.. he wouldnt hurt me :) 

the best i could ever do, is pray.

diqtasmers.
truly, your wife.

Patience is GOLD !

15.10.2013

Patience is GOLD ! is what i learned 2 days ago.  i was put to test on the value that i was lacking the most. 'patience' - at the same time, i guess it meant putting your trust onto The Almighty and surrendering it all. Because when things is beyond our control, acknowledge that not everything can go the way we wanted. If it is meant to be, it will eventually. if it's not, then no matter what we do, we can't fight with destiny. :)

i ought to admit, that my heart has recognized and found the real one and only true God. i guess in the end, no matter what i choose or decide - it is still my life and my story to tell whether it's right or wrong, let God be the one to judge.

so far, i've been thankful for what i got and had. eventho i am actually on the path of many obstacles to overcome, but im keeping it as positive as i can and surrendering it all to God as only God knows what's the best for me. Hopefully all will be well - have faith.

Family -
Either had or have i tried to communicate with them or not - thing is .. they're too busy doing their own thing so i guess it's just a period thing since they are going through their teenage life. Mom has been who she always is, she would be around during Sundays just to spend the night since her partner isn't around. Not feeling that she has been showing up in my life at the moment, because she's living one of her own now. Dad has been quite quiet nowadays, his always facing his phone whenever i get to see him or facing the computer. not much topic or things to share at home as it's like each of us are just living our own lives. hmm. what more can i say.

Business -
Starting a business soon. hopefully all will turn out well. 

truly yours,
diqtasmers

trust

#chasinghappiness

no doubt that everyone in the world is always searching for happiness in their lives. whatever we do, we are to believe that by doing so - we would be happy. 

chasing happiness,

More than 2 months passed, there was no clarity yet. im not sure how long would this last, nor do i know the reason behind each action and words. at this moment, i could only put all my trust in God because that's the best thing anyone can ever do. i've been .. swimming in a pool of pain for this few weeks, and everytime when i touched my heart.. it felt as if a knife is piercing through the same spot over and over again.. how i wished i can get back to the past and reverse some of the things that i did.. that i choose to do.. the decision that i made.. but at the same time, i also believe that ... this was 'meant to be'

things keep happening, whether it is good or bad.. whether i like it or not.. it just keep happening.. we just need to learn to accept the bad and believe the best out of it.

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those eyes.

Once again, that look in your eyes. Those eyes that is filled with hatred, i wonder when did they started to appear. :') no matter what, i missed those eyes that is filled with love when you started at me. but i know those eyes are lost long time ago, i was just being too foolish to realize that those eyes were long gone. 

Love is a Big Word

Love is a big word. i don't really like this word before, there wasn't any good place for me to use this word. but i've been using it recently, and now i decided that, this word just take a 'break' for some time. For me - i believe that this word should only be used when you truly meant it deeply. Otherwise, this word should be forbid because the weight of this word is not little.

Everything for me is up side down now. i believe that i am lost, lost of direction. no longer understand the universe of life. but it's okay, tho i know that i wouldn't be able to hold on to this feeling for long but i guess just have to. 

Love no longer owns any meaning for me. Because love is no longer a sign of happiness for me, the word 'love' in this world is just 'a word' the word 'love' hold no meaning at all. And i am slowly believing that there's no true happiness in this world. everything is so thin, even for the love that is so strong - fact is it is really really that thin because it can be break at any moment.

Happiness could only bring much fear for me now, because how happy i could be is how badly unhappy i would be then. because love can no longer comfort me anymore, love wasn't filled to heal my scars when i got hurt, love was no longer there when i needed. 

so the word, treat others how you wanted to be treated is a total bullshit! :) it's a TOTAL bullshit ! :) right now, things should slowly vanished. everything is wearing thin, anything can break at any moment. 

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the love's foundation is so weak, that's why my parents divorce. love was meaningless, if it has more impact - probably things wouldn't end up this way.. i no longer understand why was even love started. i sorta hate love :) hehe' because love hurts, love is cruel. love is so fake ! if my mom had truly loved me i bet she wouldn't leave. love is selfish, love is one self's desire, love only think about themselves. the word 'love' is all lies. love is bullshit, Great! 

Pride , Ego and Yourself is bigger than LOVE :) haha- awesome. 

12.08.2013

dear readers,

everything has been well. there's alot of up and downs. really dislike how much i my feelings. the fact that i was not able to control how i feel, and allowing them to overule me. the fear that keep pushing my heart, really wished the fear to dissapear - as i wonder if this fear has anything to do with my childhood. 

emotionally exhausted. 

it's somehow a bad year ever since someone precious left this world. eventho i dont know her too well, but she's always been kind to me. really wished that she never had to go. kinda miss moments when she's around.. sighs*.. moreover, she's a wonderful mom. who always spend time with her childrens, but for me. i couldn't really recall any best moments with my own mother. since she's always away from us. it just felt like she's just a friend. she's not someone i could count on because she have her own problem and she seems be to more unmature in handling her problems. :(

love has been precious. we've been together ard 20months now. so much so much up and downs and im glad we are still coping, and that we are willing to overlook each other's mistake and accept each other. he has been a wonderful boy to me. someone that who i know would never leave me. im sure daddy wouldnt mind him taking care of me cause im pretty sure that he would want me to be happy. as in life, things just never would really turn out as how you always imagined it to be. and you can't control the people in your life to be as how you want them to be. so we have to accept and let go. tho i am having a hard time doing that :D 

trust. is not easy. but slowly2 reminding myself to trust each and every moment. and i would say im doing a pretty good job at that. :)

i miss you smile, baby! :) your sincere happy smile can lighten me up. :) hugs*

09.08.2013

no question asked. no thoughts. no feelings. no emotions.

[being thankful]

Few days ago, i was feeling really down. but im glad now everything seems to be better. miracle had happen, prayers answered - im glad we never gave up. (':

thankyou God for helping. pray for journey mercy, watch over us and protect us. may we enjoy the moment there. :)

In Jesus's name i pray, amen!

15.07.2013

zhe suan shen me? lau tian ye aa. wo zhen de hao lei le. wo de xin yi jing shang de gou gou le. qing nin bie zai gen wo kai wan xiao le. jiu fang guo wo ba. zai zhe shi hou, nin zhen me gei wo kai wan xiao le aa? wo zhen de shi zou tou wu lu le. zhen de shi bai tuo nin bang bang wo ge mang ba. qing nin fang guo wo ba. wo zhen de hao xiang hao hao de qu wai mian wan. qiu qiu ni rang wo de dao gao shi xian.

10th July 2013

yesterday was quite an emotional day, both of us were just being so emotional over other things. but im glad that we were there for each other. it's not exactly very awesome when im all excited to fly but my partner well. hmmm' having some other things in mind. sorry, that i dont know how to comfort you.. i could only stay by your side. :)

8 more days to go and im pretty sure that 8 days will come soon and 9 days will pass very fast as well. last week, i was being so excited by just imaging im at USS i could already scream ! but now' our weather moodd is more gloomy or should i say cloudy. :)

well, fine. instead of comparing.. i got to start 'appreciating' i am not appreciating the things around me or how lucky i am. (': 

appreciation :

first, i would like to appreciate and give thanks to God whom were always with me through thick and thin, during times of difficulties were times when He wanted to mold me to be a better person. waking up everyday being healthy and safe with my families and love ones, i have already forgotten how blessed i am. feeling so unfair that my father had invest in purchasing laptops for my brother instead of anything for me had made me felt that i am so unloved. but at the same time, i was blinded by all the things i have and had. while i am going through the rocky road, my head just wont stop spinning and i just need to have more 'faith' , and believe that 'everything is going to be alright, it happens for a reason'. overall, im should have been thankful that my family, friends and love ones are all being healthy and safe regardless of how far or near they are from me. forgive me for being so forgetful.


thank & Praise God for his awesome ness ﺕ

i am loved by God. ﺕ

6th June 2013

I'm officially unemployed for one whole year now. so far life has been fine, i made a lot of mistakes along the way and at the same time i learn some lessons from my mistakes. but so far, everything is going well. thank God so much and the people who believes in me and whom never stop supporting me in achieve what i believe in doing.

I'm so glad that i'll be having a short vacation soon by the end of the month. really pray hard for journey mercy as we're going to travel by air. i will be visiting one of the places that i have always been dreaming of visiting and that time will come so soon and i just pray that God will bless our journey. :)

business is going well, and i might be considering in expanding what i do. so hopefully God bless me and hope my plan works. :)

Life is unexpected, as i recall last month when i almost had a breakdown. because i was having too much worries and thank God that it has all passed and now i am feeling better. 

Pain is temporary and so is everything in life. they are all temporary, as i recently felt that as if i was poured with cold water from someone who i treated nicely. tho, i don't understand why i felt that way, maybe because i sort of cherish what we had and it's just a bit of heartbreaking that now things changed a bit. but it's alright because i know that i am being a bit emotional cause everything is just temporary. :) #strong

Pray for journey mercy upon our upcoming trip to Kuala Lumpur - Singapore - Langkawi - Singapore and back to Brunei. Pray for an awesome experience while we're there and i pray that the tickets wont be sold out ! :D Safe trip with no problems and everything running 

oh motherrrr ~

feeling as if someone has stabbed a knife deeply in my heart. on this day, i would like to posted about the incident that happened around 2 days before mother's day. i overheard the conversation between my mom and my aunt. the topic was about 'me' - so i guess i didn't really like people talking behind my back, but overall the conversation was really heart-aching when you realized that your mom is actually teaming up with someone to attack you with words. 

but today, this sentences came to me out of a sudden - " if you hate me, that your problem not mine so deal with it " i shouldn't have let it affect me too much. but it was alright when it happened cause i just cried feeling all sad and .... then it just passed, but i guess my heart was wounded. :) i would never wanted to even open my heart to her .. i guess moms are great, they are awesome.. but im sorry to say to the mother that bought me to this world and left due to her own desire.. leaving 4 of her children with another man.. that i am sorry, my heart is closed because i am afraid to open and that you might hurt me even deeper.. 

perhaps you have your own reason to leave us, maybe you said the same thing like everyone else did - 'i have no choice' accepted ! but if you truly cares, oh gosh.. those words you heard from my aunt about me, those harsh comments and you were just there agreeing with her and not defending your only daughter? and worst, you wished that i have no share in the properties of the family and would want my brothers only to have the share? oh my, what were you thinking my dear? i wonder what alcohol made you this drunk.

they say ' you have to forgive the people whom hurt you' well, i do forgive them , but i dont forget them and i decided to not further that relationship because it doesnt make me productive in any way and there's alot of negativity there. :)



but if i think about it, i do kinda hate you :) i know it's a strong word to use 'hate' but i kinda do. because you made me a princess when i was young, i idolize and loved you with all my heart. but you left me with someone else - you choose someone to be with over raising me. i was left with my 3 monkey brothers where dad was always blaming me over for not taking care of my brother and i cried almost everyday everytime when i came back to school because i couldn't take the pressure when my dad is trying to turn me into a 'mom' and take care of my brothers. so i thought the best way to stop the heartache, i punched the walls instead and going school the next day with a swollen fist. everyday crying and truly wished that i could have an elder brother because if i had an elder brother, all this responsibility won't be pushed on me.. how i wished that i had one, but i know i can't cause i was born first *lol*


this go on for few years and i started to hate this house. if it's even possible i didn't even want to come back to this house because 3 of my aunties who aren't married just have too many time to boss around us and giving harsh comments about us and all the shouting and fighting and quarreling just wouldn't end.. 

but mom, im not sure where were you when all of that happens.. maybe your having a romantic candle light dinner or .... tsk tsk* how i wished you never had left us..
but perhaps this was destined and it's sure that... this is my life - it was meant to be.
but i guess, things could have been better if you would choose to be with us and go through all this problem with us instead.. :)

so yes, i guess i don't like you very much.. :) because you've never stop cutting scars on my heart..

but i hope u have a good life. 



truly,
ruiyee

losing control ?

Dear readers,

indeed, it's been a while. recently, i dont feel as happy as i used to be and i wouldnt choose to find out what started it cause perhaps i already knew it from the start. being me, it's hard for me to detached once im attached. perhaps, i dont feel like going of my comfort zone but i have been in it for quite a while now.

thinking of what had brought me to this day. i could only blame everything around me for bringing me here. i could blame everything on earth! but then in the end, the answer would still lead to 'myself' cause i was the one making all the decisions. so can i hang on to the phrase that says 'everything happens for a reason? what had happen was actually MEANT TO BE?' i would feel much better tho if those phrases were reliable and that i could hang on to those words when judgement days come. but God, i feel like a lost child walking inside a complicated maze and it seems that this maze has no ends. i just couldnt find the way out now.

At the age of 20, coming 21.. maybe God is trying to tell me ' Girl, you've taken the wrong train.. this wasn't the path you should be taking....' being uncertain still .. im totally confused about life, about the so called 'destiny' and 'faith' so im not sure about my destiny and my faith. sometimes, i just dont know what to choose because maybe its my destiny and faith .. as they say 'go with the flow' somehow i ended up here. so maybe all i need is more faith. keep me strong because im such a weaklingggg without you. God is my Strength.

weakness in me

i guess i need to figure somethings out i or i should leave it. after a shocking fact, that had happened recently. i realize that perhaps, i was the one whom started all this. I've grown too egoistic because i started to judge someone when i had no right of. i was pointing at all the faults, all the mistakes of others without taking a peep at the mirror and look at myself. 

i felt that i need to slap myself, to wake myself up. but where does all these come from? really hate that i couldn't control my feelings, especially when i know i shouldn't be feeling that way. but then when i follow these feelings, it just led to more disasters in my life. 

the day that i was looking forward to, would it be the starting point of something bad? i guess, at the same time.. one of the bad thing about myself, is the ability to quickly prejudge things.. using the current situation and picturing it in the future (which had the effect of making the future looks really bad if i'd allowed it to happen now) 

the tools the tools. 

cause totally, i am not 'present' instead, im living in the past & future.

29.03.2013 - a special day

today is a very special day.

because it's his birthday, his 23rd birthday. i guess i felt more excited that he is for his birthday, :) last year kyzkazuya helped me in decorating the candle lights during midnight - we made the candles into words that shows ' =) b'day dayat ' really thankful for kyz helping me out. :)

this year, i was more excited than last year - who knows why. :D i had this plan months before his birthday .. :D when i knew that he loves horses & wanted to ride on them. so this years birthday is going to be a 'double surprise ' as after his work later. probably get him to rest till the right time comes. :D i'd bring him to BEQ where they offers horse riding. its around jerudong - long drive later, but i'd cover his eyes with towel & earpiece in his ears to avoid him knowing where i am bringing him :D

the next surprise will be more challenging because it involves more people - his family. :)
we'd be celebrating at ideal gadong which kyz & i already reserved in advanced. it;d be like just us going for dinner & ending up as a surprise dinner celebration.

hope he enjoys it & didn't suspect anything.

i pray that everything will be going smoothly, no conflicts, and pray for journey mercy on road as i am driving quite a long distance. may it be a blast ! Amen.. :)

my superman :')

my heart doesn't feel content. 

not blaming the environment, but it's a fact that my environment is me.

how we were brought up, i wished we were more of a loving and a caring family rather

than a monster family filled with so many crazy things, i really hate 'them', they way they talked, shout, boss around, judge - i got fed up because they never changed and i've been eating up this shit for more than a decade now. 

went somewhere to takeaway food and just observing the brother and sister smiling & just being so gentle and patient with each other. i really envy them & deep inside me i was wishing that my family would be atleast 40% just like them, i'd be more than grateful.  :') i am already 20 years old & coming 21 by the end of the year. i'm turning into an adult. adult, again i always wished i was a child - a mindless child who didn't knew too much about this world. but time flies, time never wait for anybody. each and everyday we're growing up - my youngest brother is already 13 years old. his a teenager now, the age i always wished i can get back to.

dear dad, i wished that when those crazy people started to attack me. i really wished that your there to protect me but at the same time i knew you incapable of doing that cause i knew you'd get attacked instead even if your trying to protect me. maybe you were always there being my guardian angel, i just never knew nor realize. but i just hate to know that you got hurt, and i really hate them for being so inhuman. i pray that you'll find peace in life, i pray that you'll just simply relax your mind, let go of your worries and stress - simply just enjoy life. 

the stress level, problems, responsibility that falls unto your hand is actually way more than you can handle. but i salute you for always able to be so patient, so calm which are the values i'm trying to learn. always be happy dad, eventho i'm always being upset about how you didn't act as a shield for me when monster attacked me but i truly loved and care for you because no matter what, i know you'll never ever ever leave me & my brothers. So i pray that God will bless you to have a long, healthy & happy life ahead. :) Amen! :) 

#dedicated to my dad

truly yours,

ruiyee

March 2013

Dear readers,

i always mentioned 'time flies' , and it really does.

i just finished watching "Gossip Girl" season 6 & can you imagine that Blaire was only 20 when she started casting Gossip Girl and she's now 26 years old when she finished Season 6. 

Meeting my old classmate last week bring us back to our old school times. it's been 9 years since i knew her, we were like primary 6 back then. the last day of CNY, we had a small gathering at zun's place where aixing, mohin, xuan, machi didi, ahsen, ahroy, one of their TSB friend & chunfatt was there. it was fun cause they were hilarious. 

at this very moment, unlike others whose still in college & university. the life that i am living now is more like earning money and living life. i don't go to work, i do some little business instead to earn money. i am quite satisfy with the income so i intended to stay this way until better opportunity comes. but i guess having tons of money in my saving account doesn't make me feel happy, it does makes me feel more secure that i don't have to worry that i will be poor in the future. but i don't intend to have a very wealthy and luxurious life unless i hit the jackpot & become a millionaire out of a sudden. i would love to have an adventurous life, filled with fun with friends, travelling with love ones, spending time & taking care of cute children of my own (maybe 5 years from now) but yea, traveling or maybe the deeper side of myself actually desires to start a new life somewhere outside of Brunei. :)

maybe a year or two from now, i might want to stay in places like Australia, LA, newyork, London either one. :) Best my love one can join me. :) i just want something new, don't want to stuck here forever, i want something more interesting for my life. :)

well just a thought of sharing my future dreams. :)

20.01.2013

feeling upset, & worst is because i don't really knows why. 

life is really unpredictable.

recently, i kept thinking about life & again the 'purpose' of being alive, being who i am otherwise who i suppose to be. because day after day it's been quite the same .. what's not the same is the new problem that has entered our life when we're not prepared for it.

I'm somehow quite worried about what's coming, tho at first i was quite excited but after learning some facts, i guess i'd rather run away than facing it. because i dislike confrontation & worst is i hate problems. i'd like to live a quite & happy life otherwise a problematic life made me think more ... thinking about what really matters in life & why am i facing all these problems.

my brothers are going through their teenage life, so uncontrollable .. is that what teenage is all about because i could still remember during my teeen i was doing almost the same thing. going out till late night otherwise overnight somewhere else would be even better because i didn't enjoyed being part of this family. I'm not sure what's in it for them but it seems to me that they're living life w no purpose as well.. just like me? maybe..

sometime i thought life sucks, because daily working & earning money , saving them & what's it for in the end? so i guess, we'd better enjoy life.. the moment, being present * and blablabla*

Life is suppose to be something wonderful, it's suppose to be that way & i hoped that it'd be that way for me. a lost sheep a lost sheep a lost sheeep i am..

i guess i need something exciting in my life. i guess traveling is part of the answer.

otherwise i'd plan to be far far far far far far far far away from here. just disappear

that's me, i am always thinking thinking thinking.. that's why i can be bored otherwise i'd be overthinking.. 

truly yours,

ruiyee