just a little pissed

dear readers,

I would like to be as kind as I possibly could. but truth is, I am fighting inside of me. the war between the angel version of myself against the devil part of me, and I wonder if this situation were to fall upon you. what would you do ?

they say God  wanted to test my patience. how long can I hold on ?
this fcking story is ending, because I am just too tired to keep this drama going.
but by ending it, I had few option in hand on how exactly I would like the ending to be.
People who doesn't know the whole story wouldn't understand the crap that I am talking about.

the thing is, if I am evil enough. I can ruin someone's happiness right now with just a snap of my finger. but then, I am sure that this is not what The Almighty would be expecting from me, I bet I was expected to be more patience in handling this emotions inside of me.

Few months has passed.
another 13th is on its way, but im just thinking maybe the last 13th was the closing line for that relationship. a relationship that he find not worth keeping, a relationship that he find not precious enough. I did feel annoyed knowing that his EX contacted him back, i don't like the way the contacted each other and don't say that it's just being all normal because i heard this before and stuff happened. actually i don't mind if she just wanted to know how he is doing, but hmm.. make sure that they don't cross the line. that's all.

you should know baby, the next time you decided to come back inside my heart. you better make sure you wont repeat the same mistake ever again! PS/ kindly pay back all the bruise and scars you left in my heart.


i am just that evil but because i cared you more than my own ego-ness, therefore i am holding the last bullet in hand. i could do evil things, real shit! cause i am just that mad, so don't ever put the opportunity infront of me because i cant promise that i wouldn't attack! i would not even think twice to attack!

respect people, don't piss me off.

is it worth it?

theres someone out there who loves you, who has seen the worst of you and still loves you. who you've hurt badly yet still loves you, who have been through the thick and thin with you, who doesnt mind whatever future she would be having as long as its with you. are you sure she isnt worth keeping? just think about the future  once more and potray your life without her. could you have imagine how would it be like? are you okay with that? if yes then, continue on _

whats on my mind

dear readers, wanna know whats in my mind? im thinking about my next step_ the next step that i will be taking. 

a voice whispers inside me and ask me to be patient and go with the flow_ but my heartache tells me that it doesnt wanna go back to the same place all over again. same Question_ am i afraid of  feeling the pain riding inside my heart? oh yesh, that feeling can break me apart. i am willing to go with the flow, but im afraid to reach the point where history might repeats itself. i rather run away from this feeling rather then carry on and meet it again. 

i should own no feelings, no emotions and no thoughts_ only if i have the ability to do so. sighs* what are the signs The Almighty is trying to show me? i know one thing is that_ his going to be with me for quite some time. 

Ya Allah, it hurts to know. it hurts to ecen imagined it what more if it becomes reality. i wished that i wont meet that situation. amin :') 

stay strong babygirl_ just let everything be. you have no attachments, so if you cant handle it. anytime just_ know that you dont have ti report to anyone. 

truly yours,

diqtasmers

PS/ i know what you did. 😔

14th Dec 2013

Just another thought for the day, i would like to thank the Almighty for always being there for me. nowadays, everything seems to be more stable, my heart felt calmer but then worried at the same time perhaps im just havingg trauma. but im all shield (hopefully) that no matter what happens, i would still accept it and move on. by moving on, im referring to lose all contact because i wouldnt be able to accept the fact that i lost the person i love unless i lie to myself that you never really existed. :') 

the choice of life. 

honestly, i sense something bad. recently, my dad is not at his best condition. he keep saying that he got things to discuss with me, he keep saying that he felt exhausted and tired. i know its not a good sign. just keep praying that he will stay strong. :'( 

but daddy's intention was for me to have a job. a stable job, a stable pay and for him he believed that it would lead me to a stable life. but im sure that's not the life that i am looking forward to, because my heart burns for achievements that i am able to achieve with my hands. the ideas and growth that i am able to shower in my company that i am building is what's getting my attention. i desire freedom, i desire my space to do whatever i want to. _ so sorry daddy, at this moment. im not agreeing to your plan. parents are the best because they care and they worries their children's future but being worried doesnt help. supports and encouragements would help alot, and you will be amazed what we (children) can do. things that you never imagined from us, just when you allow us to shine on our own. :)

_relationship

its killing me alive but im glad that i am breathing now, everything seems to be alright but im still worried, i need an assurance. till he gives me the assurance that history will not repeat itself and that heart will be then be faithful for me. ;) but .. im not sure actually what i really want. 😔 we both have our family problems, just hope that we could be one and share our family problems together. _yesterday was our 2nd year anniversary, im just glad we are still counting. 

dear baby, i know your having trobles at heart. but know that i am always here, just like i said i would for the past 2 years and it will still be the same. i do love you still. :') 

truly yours,

diqtasmers

would you have understand the emptiness within me?

would you have understand?

the feeling that I am feeling right now.
I should be grateful, to be able to see you smile, to hear your laughs, to hear your lovely voices. but then .. I feel the emptiness within me, maybe because I am lost. I am lost in between deciding my future. do you know? it was never easy for us to be together, we are like two different people from two different kind of world trying to be together. but do you love me enough to fight for this love? cause one moment, I see you giving up and chasing something that you felt that you desire the most. you left me by the corner and ran for the floating balloon that is reaching for the sky. but while your chasing after that balloon, I got myself hurt while holding on to you.

_ love or _

but baby..in the end, we are still here together holding each others hand. is this faith? part of me always tells me that we are cant be separate, do you feel the same way? I could say I love you, but I am afraid you don't feel the same way. if you do feel the same way, would you be willing to fight for this love once more? would you be faithful this time and wont let go of my hand anymore? Question is_ would you be ready to spend the rest of your life with me?

life is_

what if, what if I decide to leave? what if .. would you hold my hand tightly and asked me not leave? would you show me how much you cared and needed me in your life? Question is_ do you love me earnestly with your heart? baby, I wished to tell you I love you, please tell me that you do too.. before I have a change of heart.


truly yours,
diqtasmers

Just another day'

dear love,

i miss you, i miss you so much that my heart aches. but i do my best to hold this feeling to myself and honestly, the pain of missing you and your love never stops for the past 4months, appox 120days :') 

but love is the most foolish thing ever, cause after the hitch i could still love you with all my heart. i could give you my most sincere and true love, i could be faithful to you till whenever. i dont mind whatever life i will be having with you, poor or rich - i dont mind, as long as we are always together and trying to find a way out for this life. 

the life i want, is to be with you.

but maybe right now, you have imagined life differently for yourself. cause maybe in your imagination, the person beside you and the person that you desire to have a life with is not 'me'.

i know you are waiting for her. but just remember that, this is the last battle. if you had decided to go over for her, i would be saying my 'farewell' :') 

i miss everything that we used to have. i love you so much :') soon, its our 2nd anniversary. i hope it still matters to you. please make up your mind. i really wish that your final answer will be me :) so that my heart can finally rejoice and be at peace. now its always in a war against pain and sorrow. 

im ready to spend the rest of my life with you. <3 H

worth it?

baby, i can assure you that i am the kind of love that will always be there for you through thick and thin. i am the kind of love that you can keep and not afraid of losing. i am the kind of love that wont leaves you. 

but one of us have to leave, because you can't have both.. you had to make a decision on continue waiting for her for years to come & be together then understand that in the process of waiting for this to happen, i will not be in part of your life. because soon, i might leave this place and just start something out there - who cares if its easy or hard cause i just need an escape from this epic fail relationship that i once trusted and had faith on. 

i love your imagination, on how you have visioned your future with her, your family and her, and etc. *claps claps claps* if that is what you desire then please let me know early, just say ' i made up my mind that ..... ' it might hurt me.. ya, i might just faint but atleast there's a settlement. 

but then, think again about us .. about your family and me, about you and me.. you know we can work out again, imagine 2 years! we still carry on together, even so many problem.. but have you realized that we are still together actually? how many relationship can hang on like this even after so many problem :') its not easy to entirely accept a person, and love them.. and i did.. 

what if ... when you are in a relationship and then something bad happen and you guys cant last long, sorng inda tahan kah or inda sanggup kah. jadinya, inda ko nyasal kan? sdh th, stop confusing youself.. 

i dont know what advise to share anymore' you know best.. if you guys gonna carry on like this for few months lagi, then paham tah ku tu ;) i'd just keluar dari hidup mu sja :) simple.

-----------------------------------------

one more thing, believes the sign God has given you and stop being stuborn.. i understand what the signs God is showing me, too much actually.. but then it keep going on... its a test for me, to be a better person for you.. malas panjang kata. i keep telling you already, even last night.. so think ya :) 

7 more days till our 2nd anniversary! :)

love, 

diqtasmers!

nightmare ;

i had a nightmare. it was no ordinary nightmare because this nightmare knows my deepest fear, or its just me overthinking. :D 

but the fact the my fear seems to be hunting me. i hope it goes far away from me, maybe if i dont care too much it, if i cared less, maybe i wouldnt even fear that it would come back. 

i had to stop doing that thing, the evil that takes over me. i had to stop it from taking control. 😔 

the pain of love is what truly changes us. 😔 dear love, you may not love me.. you may lost your heart for me but i never stop loving you ever since i fell in love with you.. and i will keep this feeling until it fades away automatically. but the pain of loving you really kills me, when you stop caring for me, when you hide your text with other girls.. when you dont seems to see that i am hurt when im just beside you. and yes i cant take it anymore. if your not coming back to me anytime soon, im leaving :')

soon to be '

Maybe you heard, maybe you knew, maybe you just pretend that you didn't hear them..
Just maybe you choose to ignore, even when you hear the sounds of my heart breaking..

02.12.13

waking up late, everything seems well. the last time we fought was considered a long time already. maybe you could still recall everything clearly, but for me those arguments are not important. arguments is when two people trying to show that they are right, but I'm DONE being right ( I'm tired of proving that i am right ) . i rather be wrong, i rather lose an argument than to lose you.

we watched a movie together, and on the way back to the car. it was raining and you walked quite quickly. i was showered with rain, and so are you.. suddenly, i miss the feeling of being cared by you. :') but i know i shouldn't feel this way. i know i should hide all this feelings and keep it to myself. but i guess you knew it all along, but you always said that 'you don't need all this from me, you never asked for it' - you said you don't need my love and care anymore, when these were the things you craved for in the past. (fine, let's not bring ourselves to the past)

i miss you :') 
totally miss you so so much. 

i hope when you have decided to come back to me, please make sure that this time.. you wont leave me. :')

but if you will never come back, ... I'd ( save it for later)