as much as ..

31st Jan 2014.

As much as..

the thought behind today's topic is filled with many un-desribeable feelings, i was thinking about last September.. well to be exact it was 13th Sept, as much as i begged and hope that it didn't happen but it happened. as much as i wished and plead for a change, it didn't. so as much as i wanted that not to happen.. too bad i wasn't in control, so i spend few months in depression till i lost about 7kg due to lost of appetite and stress.

it was indeed an experience for me, but definitely not a good one and not one that i could be proud of. because i was about to lose myself, it was just that bad and i am indeed ashamed of my own behaviour. 

do you know what i am thinking and what do i have in mind? the thoughts of 'being with him, would i be happy?' it would be a challenge for me to figure out which of his words are true and sincere, because he could be saying that he loves me but inside he loves someone else. so if he do so, kindly applause because he would be one of the worst people ever to have lied and trick my feelings (the one who have been sincere and been walking thru the path of severe heartbreaks and pain) eventually still hanging on like a fool. 

yes, i am a second choice. why would i allow myself to be a second choice? no idea baby.. no idea, there feelings won't even evaluate themselves, how am i going to understand them. pffft* but yes, i am one of the strong iron woman whose heart seems to be made of steel, but deep down my heart was torn apart to the extend that it doesn't look like one. 

ya, wtf! other thoughts has bothered my mind and I'm lazy to think too much. pffft******

Suddenly

Suddenly, i feel that i might not be ready for all this. maybe I'm doubting whether is the life i want to have. to be trapped is what i am feeling honestly. i don't feel the freedom in most aspects of my life because there's always someone standing in front of the door with a "NO" sign hanging on their neck.

2 more weeks till Hong Kong. a vacation that i wished to be filled with a lot of fun and joy while doing business but i wonder how would it turn out. no expectation. hmm~ maybe i should drop expectation.

to be honest, i might not need a relationship. someone there that i really care and love had love another. unfaithfulness ;)
been more than 5 months actually, and God what am i hanging on for? for the sake of? hmm~ thoughts.

if this love won't turn out, i might want to 

25.1.14 Just a little piece of my life

Just a little piece of my life.

Dear readers,

nowadays, i tend to think to myself.
'why am i here',  'why do i feel this way', 'why do i allow this to happen to me', 'did i make the wrong decision to choose this path'


my happiness does not measure by the amount of money i am able to earn per day/per month/ annually. my happiness is measured by the people around me, the memories i create with them and the people who makes me happy. and the golden question is 'am i happy?' 

frankly speaking, i admit that i am a fool. no one told me that the love that i thought was once true could just be my own illusion. and no one told me that, it would be difficult to get out if i fall too deep. the point is, i had enough. :) 

im just too tired to fight for this anymore, nothing i wished to do. and if crap comes over, i'd just asked it to leave. leave my world ! dont come close and crush me.. i do not want to hold another moment of pain inside of my chest. 

so if crap comes by.. please, make your way out.

19th January 2014

Dear readers,

today everything has been well, it was quite frustrating when things are not well planned but overall i am glad that everything was managed to go well without a hitch. being thankful for the NQB's for their cooperation for being on time and the cake sponsor by kyz's lovely girlfriend (farahniss). Thanks to Syura chun for the food preparation and kaka bjera for buying the drinks. It was a wrap.

the boy whom i met 4 years ago, during 28th Nov 2009 and now eveything just change because i've gotten into a relationship with his 7th brother and got closer to his family to the point that his family are just like a family of my own. being thankful for that because i will never forget each moment spent, their love, care and sacrifice for me will always be remembered by me. 

a tiring day, a day that we bought macbook air. its so pricey -.- but oh well, its already in our hand.

truly yours,

diqtasmers

messed up relationship.

This life journey of mine feel so messed up and I wonder if I've chosen the wrong path, I would say I regret choosing this path because of my feelings towards a man. the dedication, the time, the sincerity, the sacrifice that I've give away felt like a waste cause it was not appreciated. Asking me to walk away of this shit, seems hard because I'm either too attached, don't want to get out of my comfort zone or I'm just not ready for the change.

I have no intention of trying to do anything anymore, just so tired of this shit and I should just let you do whatever you want.

remember this : YOU ARE WHERE GOD WANTS YOU TO BE AT THIS VERY MOMENT. EVERY EXPERIENCE IS PART OF HIS DIVINE PLAN  && don't think for a moment that any of it was random. there is no oversight with God. Only perfectly crafted chapters in each unique journey. - yasmin mogahed

Chasing the wind

looking at you, texting her just as if your chasing the wind. checking your lips to see whether are you smiling inside your heart. actually im okay and honestly I was just being jealous of the attention your giving her. then I asked myself ' why are you staring at him and waiting for that smile to pierce your own heart?' then I wonder why did I let myself in this situation. I felt like a fool and I want to run away from this situation.

your precious to me, you will always be precious to me. but if one day, I decided that I had more than enough.. I will shut my heart and force my leg to start walking, walking out of this, out of this situation, out of your life. because I had too much, I've gone thru the worst feeling of pain while I was with you. when you gave your heart to someone else, I was really in depression to the point that nothing seems right and I was crying for comfort. I was having sleepless nights, lying down in the bed with my eyes wide open while I was trying to battle with the pain inside of me till I get tired and fall asleep.

But do you know? I've wanted to leave you so so many times and I have so many valid reason to do so, I told myself to leave to leave to leave to leave you.. but I still end up staying beside you.. not because your special, not because your this and that.. maybe because I've truly loved you or maybe its something else.