alaaaa (':

I feel like I'm not giving him time to rest - since morning we whatsapp till now. Alaaaa (:

alaaaaaa ~ (:

Sorry ya, if I seems to be taking too much of your time.

Much love,

Ruismers

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stress

 So stress because Big Fish asked for my energy report - which i submitted a low evaluation and everyone keep saying ' thank you for your honesty, thank you for your honesty ' 
actually i'm tired of waiting for something that would never come. Being so patient is like so useless already because i'm so stress now.


They're heading off to Business Magic tomorrow at meow city and myself who was suppose to be there as well. and there was no confirmation, updates and not even informing the confirmation of my attendance. well done, for being so well managed ! Tho my auntie wanted me to throw in a harsh move which is giving in a 24hour notice only instead of 1month. and i knew, i figured how unhappy they would be but what can i do ? i think i just don't want to go through that emotional talk because i'll definitely won't be able to move.


Finally, i choose not to be "STUCK" and i will bury this relationship and past we used to have. i dont want to look back (:




Pacah.
really pacah la. since yesterday wa, sudah stress like this and i really dont want to affect anyone but unfortunately i did. even yesterday i didnt really want to go out because i dont want to bring this mood. hope people understand it, pacah la. i hate it when i just know what i suppose and not suppose to do and gotta do what i suppose to do when ... 






the end

about you (:

The Man of My Life.
There's two Man in my life whom  filled in the missing puzzle in me. They were the Perfect Trio in my life - Father, Mother and Brother. Imagine a Family where as i'm like the precious Jade - well loved and taken care of, Father sees me more than anyone else did, Brother is always tehre supporting me from the back and Mother, whose just being herself and love me the way she wants. I'm one of the most luckiest person on earth to be loved by the trio. 


Yesterday after a discussion with my auntie, it's been decided on what i'm going to do.


I spend my time with the Boys.
Just one moment in my thought was -well, normally you said 'good night' before you go to sleep but because the sun rises and somehow the suitable word is ' good morning' - just that one moment i find it quite bliss because i felt like i woke up saying 'morning' to my partner (: (one sweet moment)


and the Mid-Night Talk was Great, -i enjoyed it as we talked a lot, knew more about each other. 
There's this Guy who can't stand the pitch of my voice, keep claiming that i don't have bass. His a Strong Guy , who took so much courage in facing his own fear and he was able to get back in such a short time which is amazing because i never knew anyone could ever do that. Imagine myself, falling into a feeling so deep which i figured it's 'love' and i just hold on to this crazy feeling for a year and it took me almost 10months to totally ignore and get him off my life and thoughts. But This person who had such a long relationship managed to be happier - and i'm really proud of him, can't say really proud yet because i'm more surprised than being Proud. His like Found more light within the Dark, it's amazing ~ .


i adore the way he sings because his a very Good singer, just like his brother he owns a Good Heart just more stubborn :P enjoys staring at him and see how would he reacts to it. Loves the way he got sasak by me because he'll have this funny look on his face which would make me Laugh out loud without realizing that my laughter sting his eardrum again. 


but because of the unstable and uncertain relationship that i believed we're in.
somehow we're constantly trying to stay further .. away from each other. but i guess we haven found the exact way to do that.


it's very lovely of him and honestly i felt very touched when he prepared the bed for me, the chocolate, he knows i always wanted to use the labtop and he didn't mind to borrow me much, and a very lovely background music played. thanks (: awww so sweet ~ (;


he dedicated a very lovely song - and .. i liked that song a lot but sometime i don't really want to play that song tho i like it because it makes me thinks of him. but the first time listening to this song, i felt like i heard his heart talking. (: But now, i dont know what his heart and mind is thinking about.
Let's just say it's a very nice song (;       - Karena Ku Sayang Mu - Dygta




So sad sometime when it seems like i don't even know what is this ..
should i just let go but i don't want to miss a thing, i want to enjoy every moment possible (:
sometimes, i really dont want to know what is this, or think about it. Just want to do and say how i feel but ... have to be responsible for what i said .. so .. (: 


i just want him to know that i really like being with him and spending time with him.
but everything is temporary, tho i am actually afraid the thought of losing him or knowing that our relationship will slowly fade. So .... i don't know (: wait till time tells.


and malas jua me kan think so much :P






Proud.
Proud of my brother kyz .it's like months since i told him about this. But it was totally amazing how he took the courage and voice his heart out. No matter how much he expressed himself, i think it's already Good enough because it's never easy but he did it. Both him and his brother - im proud, they made me proud. apakans :P 
Really proud of you, stay strong and stay authentic. No matter what happen, always realize what you are doing and always be yourself.


and the Boys (: 
why, hello. 


i've taken the role of helping them as well. so (: - have Fun rui.\




to my ambok  :P
 ~ the awkwardness indeed is there. (:
but i loved the way you are, because your funny and cute. tho you said you wanted to know more about me, .. but somehow it is as if .. im so totally interested/in love with you, which is not true so i hope you start acting normal again , and let's have fun like how we knew each other. that's all i want from you, brother  ! (:




much love.
rui .

Right Now.

Malas Mau Melayan Perasaan ini.


Well, this feeling that was developed is slowly fading. This Cute Adorable Boy .. what's wrong?
Perhaps, i should hold back a bit?


If you were to ask where in the world, am i now - i don't really know how life brought me to where i am today. I'm just .. seriously .. i kinda lost my mind .. cause i don't even know what to think or what to worry about.. is this as what they use to call ' living in the moment?'


i think mentor is so far far away from me now. a year ago, (; many thing happens -
everything is temporary, what you have doesn't you own them so cherish.. life is unexpected.
i wonders how things would be like i had the courage to talk to him about something deeper inside. (;


the gangs is now currently in Meow City so what in the world am i waiting for? i know that they loved me, but i also know that they are slowly learning how to let me go.  ~
because i came in a surprise, i did something that was out of their expectation .. and now, they're learning to let go and move on - Good for them (; Because eventually they would need to go trough this obstacle, and as for myself - i too need to learn to let them go and move on with my life. 


No more testing, testing . My notice will be by the end of tomorrow. (: 
and through all that i've Gone through previously i really learn alot and the people around me helped me in realizing more of myself. (: my monkey minds are getting lesser now, .. and i need not find the urgency to explain to another person or let them know the truth eventho they hold the wrong idea of who i am. Because eventually they will know - i Guess the one i can't let go the Most and keep on dancing in my mind is my mentor. (; The Man who stood up and asked me, the One whose always there for me without me knowing, i know how much you cared and that you're learning to be stronger now. and i'm Glad .. thanks for all the love you have for me, i guess the writer has made a full stop for us.. but i hope there's a new chapter after this. (:


something i never did before.
well, i did made soup for .. well my sisters like more than a year ago. But preparing all this that i've did was the very first time and that feeling that i am holding on to as i did my preparation reminds me of how i prepare a Special Gift for someone i really like during his birthday. The old times was more dramatic tho (:
i'm Glad that the result is not too bad, and come to think of it and if you were to ask why am i doing all of this. i'd say - ' im just following my heart' - truth is i don't want to know or think about it yet. (:


i haven been blogging about how i truly feel where i am now because i don't want words to describe it. (: 
i enjoyed, the moments. <3


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


dear life,


i currently have no idea where are you bringing me to. Life is just so unexpected and i'm just living life. i just hope every moment is Great, i dont want to hold on to any slight unhappiness that can bother my mood and how i show up (:
May the people around me be true, and authentic - may the people around's me love me for who i am. (:




much love.
*sambung tidor* 

(:

' suddenly i turned blank about what do i want to blog.

So lets start off by myself whose going to watch twilight later.

watching twilight with the boys because? well, tho it makes no sense but i always wanted to watch this movie with my friends including someone special for me. So yeah, this time .. i Got them and boy am i excited because i even rushed all the way to empire just to make sure we got the seat. So tonight is the Night! 

let it be the most funniest thing ever ! :D

i have a plan in mind, like a master plan. well not really a master plan la, it's just a plan - 

anyway .. it's for someone who matters and someone special - to this point where i would wanted to do all of this thing. what's my intention behind all of this ?

it's something that my heart wants to do, and i don't really expect anything in return.

It's something that i'd do for someone i cares, and i'd do the same for the others.

He may never knew this, because i used to like him. (:

I remember during his birthday , and i was so thankful because my sister helped me to do the preparation as well. We made a Surprise on his birthday. And i did something i never did before, i home made something -( like a display) 

i got too overwhelmed, because the night before his birthday i hardly sleep. i woke up 4-5 times because i worried that the display will fall down or there might be a 'mini earthquake' that shakes and crashed it. Because ... truly that Gift i gave to him, represent 'my heart' (:

Too bad, when you talk to a GUY - you need to straight to the point otherwise he wont know ! :D

and yea he didn't knew, it's more than a YEAR now. (:

I find it very sweet ! (: song dedicating to express how we felt inside. 

I don't really miss hermano, why have you been so far away in my life ? (':

we used to be very close, we used to be so connected but your now so far far away struggling on your own. dear hermano, i'm sorry that i'm not there with you now. because i can't keep on rescue-ing you, you need to stand up on your own now. (':

thanks ! :) 

because i matters otherwise you won't do that. :D 

i appreciate you, my brother tho travels all around and haven failed to give me a gift :P 

' Thanks God for this amazing life that i'm having. <3

much love.

Spoil eh ! :D

I've seen my own growth (:

Previous moment, i was doing my best to be calm and still, being as impeccable as i possibly could. and i was almost totally not taking other people's thought and judgement's personally. (: congrats rui* hugs.

Next round, if i were to bump with Big Fish, i'm just not sure if im ready enough.

Spoil moment ?

Spoil eh, when i really hold on to this courage readily to express my feelings towards this guy but then the next moment he told me that .. his into another girl just right before i open up my mouth ! pacah eh* but ohboy, atleast my intention was there. (:

So next Question is do i still want to take the courage to do so ? or let it go like it was never there.. ?

Spending moments with them is really priceless. (':

i enjoyed the moment and i love it when they started to sing <3

crazy act just to cheer me up , tengah malam lagi tu. they're so sweet.

one of the best thing in my life eys.

much love.

(:

God loves me ! <3


I thank God for this amazing night. (:
i was so blessed by the people around me, thanks to my sister who joined me for exercise and i was able to meet my brother - it's like a long lost brother that i haven been seeing for a long long time. met the best buddies, at the arch - thanks for the crazy moments, rushing off around brunei and met my brother from church then back to my 2nd house :D
with my two beloved brother.


#missingsomeone :D

What am i feeling now?

This is what i am feeling now. (:


Gaara, one of my most fav character.


#honestly, i don't even dare to be excited tho i was utterly excited. but anyhow thanks for giving me all the excitement and shove it off right at my face. if i say i appreciate it then i'm being totally sarcastic. (:


Spending time with the boys has been Great but mostly awesome memories are when we truly express how we feel than shit talk.
Awesome moment was back at the beach and waterfront. i guess water does create some sort of invisible impact.


i just realize that both my brother and boss is coming today same time same flight. i might check them out a while later. (:


What am i feeling now? i'm feeling upset after all that i've gone through, i threw my faith and trust just like that and i am constantly believing that it's gonna be alright but my worth is not shown and i was not well appreciated. things can just bust you off when you do a tiny little mistake over to all the awesome achievements that you've did before.


i wanted to join cvo4 but then, i was arranged to join magic sales instead which totally is not what i wanted. am i trying to guess out what he wanted for me, the plan and the trust he mentioned repeatedly - what is it because i think im getting tired of waiting, patient is not really in my dictionary.
and due to my broken heart for all the love and trust that i give yet not appreciated.
if i were to leave, i wont leave a salt of guilt. but if i were to make that decisions, i truly wont mind as much anymore because it doesnt seems to matter to me already since the trust and love i'm holding on seems to just be an illusion.


no, i dont even want to hear a thing. (:

i screwed up again ?

why am i beating myself up so bad, over something i did unintentionally? i guess i do want to do it because the others are doing it. so, why cant i just .. why can't i just follow my heart? here, it's all about how i show up and i know that well, but im just so afraid of making one little mistake, cause i didnt want it to affect my evaluation. i know there's no more rescue-ing because mentor has been very busy and he started to show up less for me. it's the best and it's the least they can do, to make sure i'm growing well. but talk about growing, i'm the little kid that needs to be discipline because i don't really have one.


what can that leads a child to ? recently i lost that awesome light within me, it's not lost, it's still there, just that something is covering it up and i don't know what is it. and i need to find it, finding more of myself because that Light is me, not this darkness that's trying to overrule me, so what can i do to go up to the next level. is finishing up my paperwork is good enough? i threw in all my trust, faith and future in this place, and i'm now going through a tough journey of growing up.


I'm searching for that light. finding the super 10 within me now, come to think of it again back in months ago, what has been so awesome that made me pump up each and everyday but now doesnt? what's gone missing, or what happened to me?


why do i fear? who shoot me down ? because i lost myself, and is this because of the environment? why do i fear to be myself and live love life ? where does this energy come from. 


need to reflect (:

Something Simple can meant more !


An unexpected moments created for my birthday, no expectation - just going on with the flow, and thank God so much because He made all this happened, God was the one who planned for my birthday and i thanked Him for he showed me how blessed i am and with full of gratitude, i appreciate every moment and everyone whom show up in my Life.


I spend my time with almost everyone who matters to me, and i was basically sitting down watching how the world dance around me. But it was amazing because people who matters much to me show up amazingly, tho simple things they did but it meant so much and they were indeed priceless (: i felt as if this is the Most Amazing birthday ever and thank to everyone because you made it all happen. the advance, the late, the intention, the effort, the thoughts, the wishes, the blessings - received <3 and those simple little things meant more to me (:


The Greatest Gift from God is 'life' , the Greatest Gift on earth is the love and care from the people around me, you worth more than Gold because your 'priceless' <3


much love.
it'sruismers

2more days! (:

Monkey's birthday is coming (:

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the silly happenings

hello Life (:

I'm officially not confused anymore ? (:

I'm still uncertain about what i wanted in Life, my intention in Life. 

But this decision was made because .. i can't deny what had happened for the past months, it's a fact that they've cared for me & my heart knows it Best. I felt sorry because i have taken a lot of action based on my choices . And i confused everyone around me, because i was more than just confused.

My realization is ; 

Tho i was uncertain because i was given two ideas, and constantly people around me telling me what is Good and what is Better. Therefore, i was so uncertain and lost of what i truly wants . i did a lot of silly things. One event was, myself expressing my appreciation and my tears actually was about to run down my cheeks. It was so funny because the next moment, just like a snapp * i then decided the other option instead. I felt so much like slapping myself because i felt like i made the world go round, with my confusion. (:

This event may seems to be unnecessary as the result remains the same. But within this event i realize how indecisive i am and how my choices can affect everyone around me. I wouldn't blame those people who give me ideas at all, because those who advised and talked to me regarding this matter , to me is 'care' - and because i matters in some ways. So i appreciate it all, embracing what happened. And for their part, hopefully this event will not shaken their trust upon me and understanding that this is truly an event that i need to experience to find myself and understand myself more. 

winter bob disappeared, and yea i do missed him once in a while - thinking what had happened to him or perhaps his busy with his things. Is it possible that winter bob is just a 'passerby' in my life? i hope 'not' (: - take care !

i was in my high yellow mode last night at clov's resident, and do wanna apologize because i can't use any form of communication when i'm at this gathering. Yesterday was awesome and yes, i'm happy as well to see GB back, Jeff is there, Mei was there and Big Guy joined us as well. The Night was Awesomer - yummy Food <3 Thanks peeps.

The Changes in me was 'courage' as i was able to have courage to face one of my biggest fear, courage to face myself, the courage to let go, be more of my authentic self, more outspoken of how i felt as well (: thanks CV <3 and thanks all the Super 10's in my Life.

yes, the word is ''blessed'' i'm indeed a blessed child of God.

I enjoyed spending time with the Boys and some of them , i really liked their personality as in - to the extend where i want to have them as ' friends like family' - esp kyz & zey ! (:

i'm coming Back Pops ! (:

much love

today is today

'Hello World <3

Today i honestly felt like im the month's most confused and crazy person because i literally turn everyone up and down. Like really DID ! ;) 

Finally when BigFish converse, i couldn't think but JUST DO IT.

it does break my heart when i called Him, on the phone i started reminding the old moments where he planted seeds of care. Then continue-ing with appreciation , my own point of view, apologies, deeper appreciation. And while i was on to the last Part my tears were rolling around my eyes and the people were surprised when they saw me passing by.

but then i was Glad because i was able to express my true feelings. ;)

thats Courage <3 im glad i did.

I broke everyone's heart, and now im un Messing myself to not mess other people up ;)

the four agreements help me alot, and its indeed awesome.

Missing My brother whose somewhere, God knows where. 

but his not in Brunei, haven heard from him tho he said "see you soon!" perhaps he needs to rephrase that, yes? ;)

i find Squirrel became more and more attached to me. *careful*

his tone, sounds different tho. hmm*

Big Guy is still Crazy, he should re read the Book about the 4th Agreements all over again until he Agrees ! :D Hey world, i dont wanna miss cvo4, so please kindly answer as soon as possible. And Oh, No - dont think i already forgotten ya'll :)

i enjoyed the Night with the Boys ;) <3 thanks for the experience. 

Some photo's taken yesterday ;)

'My Beloved Brother, Kyz Kazuya. ;)

'Little Brother ;) Zey ! aka Zezey Kechiew.

Candid Shot, while he was feeling :(

Knew this boy together with the others, and his such an adorable friend !

BabyFace ! ;3 *cheerup*

'Allies aka Faiz - the photogenic Boy.

A Cool Dude, ;)

' with a Nice Smile

'The NQB Family

also know as Never Quit Bboying.

Stay Tuned - Because NQB prom night is coming up next January. <3

'Nabil * oops * i mean Nazry :D

The Guy that i met like what , 3 days ago ? A cool Guy as well ;)

Pro in playing Pool.

'Photo Taken By itsruismers @ smersmomento

'The Cool Dude ;3

much Loves 

itsruismers'

picking myself up.

Consider Myself Married, And what i'm doing now is - making the relationship work. Cause you loved me First ;)             


confusion, doubts, insecure, hits me again - i shared my monkey mind, to a point where it's too much for others to handle & i got screwed up. Back then i was sitting trying to empty up the monkey minds and to my surprise which i actually tried to re confirm myself. i saw people getting heartache, holding on their breath & kept their tears back.


i guess, you loved me. ;(

Feeling so so mellow

Feeling so so Mellow,

Hello world, 

i'm wondering where on earth did my part time teacher went to, the guy who taught me many new words is now Gone Missing ! I guess i need to call the Cops ;) evil much ! ;D & hey YOU ! do take care yourself wherever you're at. ;) & enjoy life. 

winter.

dear world, 

I feel so mellow because now that i've decided to stay & seems to be i'm not staying for the right reason and it wasn't totally for myself. what the fish am i doing ? i was given abit of the cold treatment by someone i care, even as i tried to get close to him but he just distanced himself to not get connect with me. I know how is he feeling, i know i broke his heart because over the years he took good care of me. there was this moment where i really felt like crying because i recalled the time when he wore the same shirt, i miss that smile he used to have. - BF

What am i doing ? What do i want in life, i set so many promises and intention moments after moments but which one of those were made because of myself? 

" have a deep realization that the sum of all the values, experiences, contribution are the effort, experiences of everyone around you now, and for some even more." - P

i Guess, i'm just a little kid - who do not what do i want in life yet, tho many have set a future plan for me. but is that what i truly wanted in my life?

My ideal life plan is to have many true friends like family around me, a wonderful family of my own and spending time ,travelling. Living Life to the fullest, spending time with people ;)

im here today, feeling so mellow  - 

what i really wanted to express is , " i miss my smile " , "Stop thinking once in a while, it's Good for your mind, ;) * ""- another advise from P. thanks ;)

i miss being that awesome little Kiddo, perhaps that's one of the Biggest reason i wanted to Go back to CV environment just having my thoughts to be STOP for 3 and a half days. Just stop myself from thinking, stop my self from feeling. Sometimes, i dont think im the right person, Big Fish you know what? i really need to talk to you, so Mr ! do stop the Cold Treatment because i dont like that ;) it affects my warm temperature.

oh God, please take me out of this misery already. Which path am i suppose to take? i felt utterly exhausted, i want to rest in Your Arms.

emotional update ;)

When i thought about you, the awkward feeling hits me. For Myself as a Tan Color Personality, dislike changes and fear changes. So perhaps, this is something that is happening and i'm just learning to overcome and breakthru it. :)


Back in few days ago, i was drown in deep confusion. i was stuck in huge dilemma on whether what decision should i make, whether to leave or stay. It's really hard for me to leave because i developed feelings over the years already, in addition of their love & care and i was utterly exhausted because at a time, i 'choose' to stay, then i also 'choose' to leave, and then i 'choose' to stay. Being so indecisive i can't even choose what i want.


But after alignments, im so sorry that i'm behaving like a child but do allow me as it's my stepping stone to learn & grow. truly appreciate the time & effort !


Dear Mentor, i know how much you cared for me, and wanted to guide me. the gift ;)
you were the one who step up and got me into this place, and im sorry that you were the first to knew about the news. Dear GodMother, Thankyou for screwing me up ! thankyou for your honesty, allowing me to be myself, and willingly to guide me once again. Thank BigFish the Most ! ;) because you see me more than any one else did.




----------


It was so close, and i guess i choose this over ambition, feelings and fear. (world's temptation) Otherwise i should have faith in God. So Lord, tell me what am i doing now ?
I prayed before it happened, and twice directed the same place. I'm very well confused and easily shaken, please show me the way.