oh motherrrr ~

feeling as if someone has stabbed a knife deeply in my heart. on this day, i would like to posted about the incident that happened around 2 days before mother's day. i overheard the conversation between my mom and my aunt. the topic was about 'me' - so i guess i didn't really like people talking behind my back, but overall the conversation was really heart-aching when you realized that your mom is actually teaming up with someone to attack you with words. 

but today, this sentences came to me out of a sudden - " if you hate me, that your problem not mine so deal with it " i shouldn't have let it affect me too much. but it was alright when it happened cause i just cried feeling all sad and .... then it just passed, but i guess my heart was wounded. :) i would never wanted to even open my heart to her .. i guess moms are great, they are awesome.. but im sorry to say to the mother that bought me to this world and left due to her own desire.. leaving 4 of her children with another man.. that i am sorry, my heart is closed because i am afraid to open and that you might hurt me even deeper.. 

perhaps you have your own reason to leave us, maybe you said the same thing like everyone else did - 'i have no choice' accepted ! but if you truly cares, oh gosh.. those words you heard from my aunt about me, those harsh comments and you were just there agreeing with her and not defending your only daughter? and worst, you wished that i have no share in the properties of the family and would want my brothers only to have the share? oh my, what were you thinking my dear? i wonder what alcohol made you this drunk.

they say ' you have to forgive the people whom hurt you' well, i do forgive them , but i dont forget them and i decided to not further that relationship because it doesnt make me productive in any way and there's alot of negativity there. :)



but if i think about it, i do kinda hate you :) i know it's a strong word to use 'hate' but i kinda do. because you made me a princess when i was young, i idolize and loved you with all my heart. but you left me with someone else - you choose someone to be with over raising me. i was left with my 3 monkey brothers where dad was always blaming me over for not taking care of my brother and i cried almost everyday everytime when i came back to school because i couldn't take the pressure when my dad is trying to turn me into a 'mom' and take care of my brothers. so i thought the best way to stop the heartache, i punched the walls instead and going school the next day with a swollen fist. everyday crying and truly wished that i could have an elder brother because if i had an elder brother, all this responsibility won't be pushed on me.. how i wished that i had one, but i know i can't cause i was born first *lol*


this go on for few years and i started to hate this house. if it's even possible i didn't even want to come back to this house because 3 of my aunties who aren't married just have too many time to boss around us and giving harsh comments about us and all the shouting and fighting and quarreling just wouldn't end.. 

but mom, im not sure where were you when all of that happens.. maybe your having a romantic candle light dinner or .... tsk tsk* how i wished you never had left us..
but perhaps this was destined and it's sure that... this is my life - it was meant to be.
but i guess, things could have been better if you would choose to be with us and go through all this problem with us instead.. :)

so yes, i guess i don't like you very much.. :) because you've never stop cutting scars on my heart..

but i hope u have a good life. 



truly,
ruiyee

losing control ?

Dear readers,

indeed, it's been a while. recently, i dont feel as happy as i used to be and i wouldnt choose to find out what started it cause perhaps i already knew it from the start. being me, it's hard for me to detached once im attached. perhaps, i dont feel like going of my comfort zone but i have been in it for quite a while now.

thinking of what had brought me to this day. i could only blame everything around me for bringing me here. i could blame everything on earth! but then in the end, the answer would still lead to 'myself' cause i was the one making all the decisions. so can i hang on to the phrase that says 'everything happens for a reason? what had happen was actually MEANT TO BE?' i would feel much better tho if those phrases were reliable and that i could hang on to those words when judgement days come. but God, i feel like a lost child walking inside a complicated maze and it seems that this maze has no ends. i just couldnt find the way out now.

At the age of 20, coming 21.. maybe God is trying to tell me ' Girl, you've taken the wrong train.. this wasn't the path you should be taking....' being uncertain still .. im totally confused about life, about the so called 'destiny' and 'faith' so im not sure about my destiny and my faith. sometimes, i just dont know what to choose because maybe its my destiny and faith .. as they say 'go with the flow' somehow i ended up here. so maybe all i need is more faith. keep me strong because im such a weaklingggg without you. God is my Strength.