those eyes.

Once again, that look in your eyes. Those eyes that is filled with hatred, i wonder when did they started to appear. :') no matter what, i missed those eyes that is filled with love when you started at me. but i know those eyes are lost long time ago, i was just being too foolish to realize that those eyes were long gone. 

Love is a Big Word

Love is a big word. i don't really like this word before, there wasn't any good place for me to use this word. but i've been using it recently, and now i decided that, this word just take a 'break' for some time. For me - i believe that this word should only be used when you truly meant it deeply. Otherwise, this word should be forbid because the weight of this word is not little.

Everything for me is up side down now. i believe that i am lost, lost of direction. no longer understand the universe of life. but it's okay, tho i know that i wouldn't be able to hold on to this feeling for long but i guess just have to. 

Love no longer owns any meaning for me. Because love is no longer a sign of happiness for me, the word 'love' in this world is just 'a word' the word 'love' hold no meaning at all. And i am slowly believing that there's no true happiness in this world. everything is so thin, even for the love that is so strong - fact is it is really really that thin because it can be break at any moment.

Happiness could only bring much fear for me now, because how happy i could be is how badly unhappy i would be then. because love can no longer comfort me anymore, love wasn't filled to heal my scars when i got hurt, love was no longer there when i needed. 

so the word, treat others how you wanted to be treated is a total bullshit! :) it's a TOTAL bullshit ! :) right now, things should slowly vanished. everything is wearing thin, anything can break at any moment. 

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the love's foundation is so weak, that's why my parents divorce. love was meaningless, if it has more impact - probably things wouldn't end up this way.. i no longer understand why was even love started. i sorta hate love :) hehe' because love hurts, love is cruel. love is so fake ! if my mom had truly loved me i bet she wouldn't leave. love is selfish, love is one self's desire, love only think about themselves. the word 'love' is all lies. love is bullshit, Great! 

Pride , Ego and Yourself is bigger than LOVE :) haha- awesome. 

12.08.2013

dear readers,

everything has been well. there's alot of up and downs. really dislike how much i my feelings. the fact that i was not able to control how i feel, and allowing them to overule me. the fear that keep pushing my heart, really wished the fear to dissapear - as i wonder if this fear has anything to do with my childhood. 

emotionally exhausted. 

it's somehow a bad year ever since someone precious left this world. eventho i dont know her too well, but she's always been kind to me. really wished that she never had to go. kinda miss moments when she's around.. sighs*.. moreover, she's a wonderful mom. who always spend time with her childrens, but for me. i couldn't really recall any best moments with my own mother. since she's always away from us. it just felt like she's just a friend. she's not someone i could count on because she have her own problem and she seems be to more unmature in handling her problems. :(

love has been precious. we've been together ard 20months now. so much so much up and downs and im glad we are still coping, and that we are willing to overlook each other's mistake and accept each other. he has been a wonderful boy to me. someone that who i know would never leave me. im sure daddy wouldnt mind him taking care of me cause im pretty sure that he would want me to be happy. as in life, things just never would really turn out as how you always imagined it to be. and you can't control the people in your life to be as how you want them to be. so we have to accept and let go. tho i am having a hard time doing that :D 

trust. is not easy. but slowly2 reminding myself to trust each and every moment. and i would say im doing a pretty good job at that. :)

i miss you smile, baby! :) your sincere happy smile can lighten me up. :) hugs*

09.08.2013

no question asked. no thoughts. no feelings. no emotions.

[being thankful]

Few days ago, i was feeling really down. but im glad now everything seems to be better. miracle had happen, prayers answered - im glad we never gave up. (':

thankyou God for helping. pray for journey mercy, watch over us and protect us. may we enjoy the moment there. :)

In Jesus's name i pray, amen!

15.07.2013

zhe suan shen me? lau tian ye aa. wo zhen de hao lei le. wo de xin yi jing shang de gou gou le. qing nin bie zai gen wo kai wan xiao le. jiu fang guo wo ba. zai zhe shi hou, nin zhen me gei wo kai wan xiao le aa? wo zhen de shi zou tou wu lu le. zhen de shi bai tuo nin bang bang wo ge mang ba. qing nin fang guo wo ba. wo zhen de hao xiang hao hao de qu wai mian wan. qiu qiu ni rang wo de dao gao shi xian.

10th July 2013

yesterday was quite an emotional day, both of us were just being so emotional over other things. but im glad that we were there for each other. it's not exactly very awesome when im all excited to fly but my partner well. hmmm' having some other things in mind. sorry, that i dont know how to comfort you.. i could only stay by your side. :)

8 more days to go and im pretty sure that 8 days will come soon and 9 days will pass very fast as well. last week, i was being so excited by just imaging im at USS i could already scream ! but now' our weather moodd is more gloomy or should i say cloudy. :)

well, fine. instead of comparing.. i got to start 'appreciating' i am not appreciating the things around me or how lucky i am. (': 

appreciation :

first, i would like to appreciate and give thanks to God whom were always with me through thick and thin, during times of difficulties were times when He wanted to mold me to be a better person. waking up everyday being healthy and safe with my families and love ones, i have already forgotten how blessed i am. feeling so unfair that my father had invest in purchasing laptops for my brother instead of anything for me had made me felt that i am so unloved. but at the same time, i was blinded by all the things i have and had. while i am going through the rocky road, my head just wont stop spinning and i just need to have more 'faith' , and believe that 'everything is going to be alright, it happens for a reason'. overall, im should have been thankful that my family, friends and love ones are all being healthy and safe regardless of how far or near they are from me. forgive me for being so forgetful.


thank & Praise God for his awesome ness ﺕ

i am loved by God. ﺕ