i come to a point that, loving someone can be so complicated. a very simple intention could turn half of the world up side down, someone so close can be so far away. when you dont fully trust a person, its like a glass with a crack - a small pressure and crack the whole thing down, it's easier to get them into an agreement. Because when a person doubt, they're not stable and easy to shaken.
Lies, is only when you believe and give life to it.
I saw a "pattern" in my life, another obstacle has come - is this my 5 mins advance alarm telling me that, times is almost up ? Because when this event show up recently, my mind introduce my heart the idea of escaping, which is also one of my bad habit in life. I always have a vision to escape myself from reality and i had it few times today. I feel like running away from all of this mess, i always believe that what had broke cant be mend. I dont want to be there all day feeling uneasy, i dont want my mentor to hear the story as if i've done it all wrong. i dont want to disappoint my mentor, i always look up to him. tho he seems really really far away from me now, i can only see his back facing me.
I dont want to end this way.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Thursday, July 14, 2011
fears
Hey peeps, its been a while since i blogged. tho its just like last week but i feel like i haven been blogging for a long while and i do missed it. If you wonder what brings me here today, well im not feeling well. it started when i create assumptions, i assumed a person's feedback towards me and i just made a mind assumptions. So, i was down the whole day keep on thinking and thinking and thinking. The fifth agreement mentioned that if we start to think, we assumed. So, should i not think ?
i was thinking " perhaps, i forgot to bring my heart" because i fear to feel.
i fear to feel the dissapointments, afraid of judgements, but then i need to STOP being Fearful because i need to live my life to the fullest <3
Godma, your the best. and i hope that you'd always love me because your like a real mother to me. Mentor, :) i hope you do as well, cause your like a brother, Big Fish :) your like a Long Leg Father :D Bitch, ur like a brother. :)
the best is SET as default.
i was thinking " perhaps, i forgot to bring my heart" because i fear to feel.
i fear to feel the dissapointments, afraid of judgements, but then i need to STOP being Fearful because i need to live my life to the fullest <3
Godma, your the best. and i hope that you'd always love me because your like a real mother to me. Mentor, :) i hope you do as well, cause your like a brother, Big Fish :) your like a Long Leg Father :D Bitch, ur like a brother. :)
the best is SET as default.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Offday!
How i spend my offday ?
I used my mom's ride and picked up a friend. we ate and watched movie, it's a pleasant day well spend connecting with one another, as he shared i started to learn more about this person just right in front of me. we watched "larry crowne" cause he wanted to but i was looking forward to watch "monte carlo" all this while, but i just didnt say anything. (wonder why) but that movie show me the nature of teamwork, and that i have to keep improving myself. i also learn that i have to start to work more efficiently cause im not very organized. :S
Movies,
He reminded himself again, how old are you ? he questioned, 18 ? "but your mature" he complimented, and movie helped alot. i was watching movie my whole life, and it used to act as my food or even worst my "oxygen" it was treated as a medicine to heal my pain and even while i beat myself up. It frees the time from reality and shifted my mind into another world, where i started to see things in thousands of perspective and feeling what different character would feel and thinks.
Dilemma;
i got serious dilemma, i dont have Golden Sand in my test but i'm always being indecisive. what happen today is that, i bought two drink because i didnt knew what i wanted so i end up buying a hot choco and a rootbeer while watching movie. My very first time and i must be crazy today. I was in between a iphone 4 and a Galaxy S II , Mac Pro & Mac Air, Kia Cerato & Kia New Sportage. i hope i wont be in between left and right. :D
Guys;
why do i often grow fantasy about guys ? -.- tho i dont know them but once i catch that flash, it just repeatedly playing in my fantasy world w the same guys. then when it stopped, some other guy may happen to jump in and the history repeats itself ? ;O
Workwise;
Err, i haven been doing well cause my mate is falling apart and i've been taking a step, well many step back. and im wrong, i had to do my part and whether he follows or not, its his problem because i have to move on. So, boy catch up or fall apart. :) you obviously dont CARE, cause if you do - we wont reach this route. :)
Personality;
Whats my personality (BIG Question mark !)
im cheerful but i get low at times,
im LOUD but i can be one badass.
im this but im also that,
im Hot and im also COLD.
im like the coffee in a cup, getting stirred cause i dont really know where i stand,
im like a wind ` following the wherever it brings me to. im like a river, going with the flow.
(again, trying to find my authentic self. :)
what i loves to do in my car;
i love to turn the MUSIC out LOUD while im driving and sing along. :D
i love to drive FAST ! honestly, im not good at driving slow.
i love lying down in my car and sleeeeep !
Is it just me or you just changed ? *shouting* BROO ! why i feel that your so far away from me? i just talked about you, and i used the word "USED" while talking about you, :(
i miss you! come back, be present w me !
much love.
I used my mom's ride and picked up a friend. we ate and watched movie, it's a pleasant day well spend connecting with one another, as he shared i started to learn more about this person just right in front of me. we watched "larry crowne" cause he wanted to but i was looking forward to watch "monte carlo" all this while, but i just didnt say anything. (wonder why) but that movie show me the nature of teamwork, and that i have to keep improving myself. i also learn that i have to start to work more efficiently cause im not very organized. :S
Movies,
He reminded himself again, how old are you ? he questioned, 18 ? "but your mature" he complimented, and movie helped alot. i was watching movie my whole life, and it used to act as my food or even worst my "oxygen" it was treated as a medicine to heal my pain and even while i beat myself up. It frees the time from reality and shifted my mind into another world, where i started to see things in thousands of perspective and feeling what different character would feel and thinks.
Dilemma;
i got serious dilemma, i dont have Golden Sand in my test but i'm always being indecisive. what happen today is that, i bought two drink because i didnt knew what i wanted so i end up buying a hot choco and a rootbeer while watching movie. My very first time and i must be crazy today. I was in between a iphone 4 and a Galaxy S II , Mac Pro & Mac Air, Kia Cerato & Kia New Sportage. i hope i wont be in between left and right. :D
Guys;
why do i often grow fantasy about guys ? -.- tho i dont know them but once i catch that flash, it just repeatedly playing in my fantasy world w the same guys. then when it stopped, some other guy may happen to jump in and the history repeats itself ? ;O
Workwise;
Err, i haven been doing well cause my mate is falling apart and i've been taking a step, well many step back. and im wrong, i had to do my part and whether he follows or not, its his problem because i have to move on. So, boy catch up or fall apart. :) you obviously dont CARE, cause if you do - we wont reach this route. :)
Personality;
Whats my personality (BIG Question mark !)
im cheerful but i get low at times,
im LOUD but i can be one badass.
im this but im also that,
im Hot and im also COLD.
im like the coffee in a cup, getting stirred cause i dont really know where i stand,
im like a wind ` following the wherever it brings me to. im like a river, going with the flow.
(again, trying to find my authentic self. :)
what i loves to do in my car;
i love to turn the MUSIC out LOUD while im driving and sing along. :D
i love to drive FAST ! honestly, im not good at driving slow.
i love lying down in my car and sleeeeep !
Is it just me or you just changed ? *shouting* BROO ! why i feel that your so far away from me? i just talked about you, and i used the word "USED" while talking about you, :(
i miss you! come back, be present w me !
much love.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
i changed
Face Reality !
You know what? Please do forgive people who made mistake and whom done wrong in your sight. Like please, and don't just Judge their ability because of their bad experience. I may be feeling/thinking/considering too much but i felt that my mentor was dissapointed about me and what potential ? i have potential ? i don't even know what are they so why is everyone saying i do ? cause No, i dont know what are they and i dont know what to do. im like a Lost Bunny, and the feeling i have right now is that "im lost" Cause not only mentor but Godma as well, everyone started to lose faith on me and perhaps my action had made them felt that way. So, think back and what did i used to do and which im not doing now cause i was excellent before and now i felt so untidy, such a mess ! i sincerely loves this Job, the main part wasnt about the Job but the people with me, i love the relationship i had w my mentor and Godma, thats what i cherish most and i didnt wanna lose. Imagine myself working for another 5-7 years wasnt that bad for me, instead i love it.
How about today ?
But today, feelings changed . my environment changed and i didnt like it. In fact, i felt like running away from this place and set off w a new ground. Godma said i couldnt do it, Mentor sense the limit of my capability which isnt true because i can do better than that but what ever they felt was the energy sent by me. and at this very moment, i asked myself " whats wrong w me? " why am i not PERFORMING at MY BEST? where my CV TOOLS ? goshhh !
Wake Up Call
im not going to make the next person be dissapointed about me & its not going to be tomorrow but at this very moment im going to be my BEST ! always always always !
Im coming back and sincerely i really am .
Love is Found,
i really love taking photos and i feel like collecting not just smile but those adorable kids. :)
You know what? Please do forgive people who made mistake and whom done wrong in your sight. Like please, and don't just Judge their ability because of their bad experience. I may be feeling/thinking/considering too much but i felt that my mentor was dissapointed about me and what potential ? i have potential ? i don't even know what are they so why is everyone saying i do ? cause No, i dont know what are they and i dont know what to do. im like a Lost Bunny, and the feeling i have right now is that "im lost" Cause not only mentor but Godma as well, everyone started to lose faith on me and perhaps my action had made them felt that way. So, think back and what did i used to do and which im not doing now cause i was excellent before and now i felt so untidy, such a mess ! i sincerely loves this Job, the main part wasnt about the Job but the people with me, i love the relationship i had w my mentor and Godma, thats what i cherish most and i didnt wanna lose. Imagine myself working for another 5-7 years wasnt that bad for me, instead i love it.
How about today ?
But today, feelings changed . my environment changed and i didnt like it. In fact, i felt like running away from this place and set off w a new ground. Godma said i couldnt do it, Mentor sense the limit of my capability which isnt true because i can do better than that but what ever they felt was the energy sent by me. and at this very moment, i asked myself " whats wrong w me? " why am i not PERFORMING at MY BEST? where my CV TOOLS ? goshhh !
Wake Up Call
im not going to make the next person be dissapointed about me & its not going to be tomorrow but at this very moment im going to be my BEST ! always always always !
Im coming back and sincerely i really am .
Love is Found,
i really love taking photos and i feel like collecting not just smile but those adorable kids. :)
i really love kids, and if possible i'd be all my friends Godmother as long as they have cute kids. :)
but i'm Picky, don't judge. (hehe)
i was just standing beside their mom and looking at them communicating, geez' they're really cute so innocent and they just say anything they wanted or do anything they felt like without thinking about what adults may felt. they're true to themselves. :) and we all used to have that, we just lost it on the journey of growing.
i have a very supportive Group, thanks for all the milo support. :D
and the Big Energy Booster Truck! <3
Shouting out loud, world are you ready for ME?
much love from rui. <3
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
wheres my smile?
Everything seems to be a mess since this morning, i wasnt at a 10 and everything really flows, i heard the rest shouting but i couldnt. i lost my mind, i lost my patience.
when i realize the way i talk to the people around me, im aware that i wasnt being friendly anymore so i stopped and wonder 'why had i stopped smiling to them' Big Fish said whats most important is the smile and i forgot how to be that person.
early in the morning, was such a mess seems like i was the only one taking care the things and the people around displayed their feelings on their face, they werent happy and that affects me as well.
where am i, and why having monkey mind again? my mentor used to be quite fond of me but right now it seems like im just a rotten apple. 'dont think too much' is def his advice.
things is such a mess. if you could just stop directing me cause i cant grow on my own when you tied me down. i just want to whuush this all away, go for ny next journey! :)
wheres my smile?
when i realize the way i talk to the people around me, im aware that i wasnt being friendly anymore so i stopped and wonder 'why had i stopped smiling to them' Big Fish said whats most important is the smile and i forgot how to be that person.
early in the morning, was such a mess seems like i was the only one taking care the things and the people around displayed their feelings on their face, they werent happy and that affects me as well.
where am i, and why having monkey mind again? my mentor used to be quite fond of me but right now it seems like im just a rotten apple. 'dont think too much' is def his advice.
things is such a mess. if you could just stop directing me cause i cant grow on my own when you tied me down. i just want to whuush this all away, go for ny next journey! :)
wheres my smile?
Monday, July 4, 2011
im lazy. :)
Today, nothing much happened because i was basically in a deep sleep the whole morning.
I experience one of the most eventful day yesterday, i requested for an off day but i was given to work half day. So, after work we went off to Serasa Beach. BBQ was prepared and some more avail rides which are chargeable of course, :) Banana Boat ride, Flying Fish, Jet Ski, Parachuting and etc. 6 of us ride on the Flying Fish, (haha) the laughters of riding that is still clear in my mind. Because we were ALL Bursting Laughters when the Boat Drives as Fast as it hopes to shake us off :) i want to ride it again and this time. I dont wanna be shaken off !!
we went over to visit Cities Square's Art Gallery and i was totally blown away by all the talents we Bruneian have but sadly there was no stage for them to show their real talent. and i met a talented young man, iskandar whom did and excellent touch on expressing his words into a short clip and his creativity of showing the clip covered with Box.
Enjoying my all time fav song at the moment, A mashup of The man who cant be move and for the first time covered by "before you exit" and they really rocked it. :) i couldnt stop replaying the same song all over and over again. <3 you should really listen to it.
I experience one of the most eventful day yesterday, i requested for an off day but i was given to work half day. So, after work we went off to Serasa Beach. BBQ was prepared and some more avail rides which are chargeable of course, :) Banana Boat ride, Flying Fish, Jet Ski, Parachuting and etc. 6 of us ride on the Flying Fish, (haha) the laughters of riding that is still clear in my mind. Because we were ALL Bursting Laughters when the Boat Drives as Fast as it hopes to shake us off :) i want to ride it again and this time. I dont wanna be shaken off !!First time Parachuting and the experience up there is AMAZING.
due to my naughtiness, haha i always get my way into things.
And that boat driver dipped me into the water 3 times. :D
and i was up so so so HIGH, not even feeling afraid .. i felt GREAT and i love that feeeeelingggg <3
We definitely have serious FUN.
photo credited to R' :)
After Beach, had dinner w our friend from SG.
we went over to visit Cities Square's Art Gallery and i was totally blown away by all the talents we Bruneian have but sadly there was no stage for them to show their real talent. and i met a talented young man, iskandar whom did and excellent touch on expressing his words into a short clip and his creativity of showing the clip covered with Box.After all this, i went home approx 9:30pm and went off at 10:00 rushing to watch Transformer 3 with my brothers. we had 4 free tickets and since they couldnt watch it so i took this opportunity to spend sometime w my brothers. too bad i was too tired w all the work and fun. i fall asleep many times, while watching. :D
ohh well, i requested to come at 8am to work and i was like midnight when i texted my ladyboss. :D i got lil busted, hehe and she let me come at 12pm. which i overslept for more than 12hours and woke up 1:15pm ;)
what a Day ~ <3
so this morning i woke up and off to work, whole noon was about me and my paperwork. :D my commitment letter was submitted. hopefully my mentor, ladyboss and BigFish really gives me an answer to continue my journey. :)
much love
Saturday, July 2, 2011
who am i "?
Someone finally gets a OUT from the referee, had a arrangement meeting w my mentor and ladyboss (GodMother<3) somehow, i find my mentor quite scary by the way he just terminate my colleague whom worked here for a YEAR ! and pooof* she's Gone just because he decided to. and my mind wonders " would you do the same to me?"
Who am i ? Yes im filled with Doubts about myself and i have MONKEY MIND. :D
I have an awesome date w chilipadi :), she's Cool and i like hanging out and she owns GREAT IDEAS, so you see as they always say " great mind talk about ideas" and honestly i was like "WOW, when she showed me her vision in mind. i was blown away !
My bitch (best friend) and i had a heart to heart conversation . we kinda let out and talked about our painful moments and pass. So, i explain to him about this Guy who used to be very important in my life and how did he influenced me. And also to the fact that i haven seen him for one and a half year. But today, i saw his car and him, himself inside. Haha, chilipadi was like my Lucky Charm.
I enjoyed the lunch because most of my doubts were filled w satisfying answer from her.
Thanks, i'd be looking forward to have more lunch lunch w you and so are the others.
I kinda notice one guy has been pretty weird w me, perhaps its my monkey mind again but .. hmmmm' perhaps its myself. not the others. and yea, we're Awesome cause My Mahn J" gaved me and my awesome buddy 4 Free tickets.
More updates tomorrow, cause we re heading to Serasa Beach for the 3rd awesome gathering. :D
Who am i ? Yes im filled with Doubts about myself and i have MONKEY MIND. :D
I have an awesome date w chilipadi :), she's Cool and i like hanging out and she owns GREAT IDEAS, so you see as they always say " great mind talk about ideas" and honestly i was like "WOW, when she showed me her vision in mind. i was blown away !
My bitch (best friend) and i had a heart to heart conversation . we kinda let out and talked about our painful moments and pass. So, i explain to him about this Guy who used to be very important in my life and how did he influenced me. And also to the fact that i haven seen him for one and a half year. But today, i saw his car and him, himself inside. Haha, chilipadi was like my Lucky Charm.
I enjoyed the lunch because most of my doubts were filled w satisfying answer from her.
Thanks, i'd be looking forward to have more lunch lunch w you and so are the others.
I kinda notice one guy has been pretty weird w me, perhaps its my monkey mind again but .. hmmmm' perhaps its myself. not the others. and yea, we're Awesome cause My Mahn J" gaved me and my awesome buddy 4 Free tickets.
More updates tomorrow, cause we re heading to Serasa Beach for the 3rd awesome gathering. :D
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