as much as ..

31st Jan 2014.

As much as..

the thought behind today's topic is filled with many un-desribeable feelings, i was thinking about last September.. well to be exact it was 13th Sept, as much as i begged and hope that it didn't happen but it happened. as much as i wished and plead for a change, it didn't. so as much as i wanted that not to happen.. too bad i wasn't in control, so i spend few months in depression till i lost about 7kg due to lost of appetite and stress.

it was indeed an experience for me, but definitely not a good one and not one that i could be proud of. because i was about to lose myself, it was just that bad and i am indeed ashamed of my own behaviour. 

do you know what i am thinking and what do i have in mind? the thoughts of 'being with him, would i be happy?' it would be a challenge for me to figure out which of his words are true and sincere, because he could be saying that he loves me but inside he loves someone else. so if he do so, kindly applause because he would be one of the worst people ever to have lied and trick my feelings (the one who have been sincere and been walking thru the path of severe heartbreaks and pain) eventually still hanging on like a fool. 

yes, i am a second choice. why would i allow myself to be a second choice? no idea baby.. no idea, there feelings won't even evaluate themselves, how am i going to understand them. pffft* but yes, i am one of the strong iron woman whose heart seems to be made of steel, but deep down my heart was torn apart to the extend that it doesn't look like one. 

ya, wtf! other thoughts has bothered my mind and I'm lazy to think too much. pffft******