oh motherrrr ~

feeling as if someone has stabbed a knife deeply in my heart. on this day, i would like to posted about the incident that happened around 2 days before mother's day. i overheard the conversation between my mom and my aunt. the topic was about 'me' - so i guess i didn't really like people talking behind my back, but overall the conversation was really heart-aching when you realized that your mom is actually teaming up with someone to attack you with words. 

but today, this sentences came to me out of a sudden - " if you hate me, that your problem not mine so deal with it " i shouldn't have let it affect me too much. but it was alright when it happened cause i just cried feeling all sad and .... then it just passed, but i guess my heart was wounded. :) i would never wanted to even open my heart to her .. i guess moms are great, they are awesome.. but im sorry to say to the mother that bought me to this world and left due to her own desire.. leaving 4 of her children with another man.. that i am sorry, my heart is closed because i am afraid to open and that you might hurt me even deeper.. 

perhaps you have your own reason to leave us, maybe you said the same thing like everyone else did - 'i have no choice' accepted ! but if you truly cares, oh gosh.. those words you heard from my aunt about me, those harsh comments and you were just there agreeing with her and not defending your only daughter? and worst, you wished that i have no share in the properties of the family and would want my brothers only to have the share? oh my, what were you thinking my dear? i wonder what alcohol made you this drunk.

they say ' you have to forgive the people whom hurt you' well, i do forgive them , but i dont forget them and i decided to not further that relationship because it doesnt make me productive in any way and there's alot of negativity there. :)



but if i think about it, i do kinda hate you :) i know it's a strong word to use 'hate' but i kinda do. because you made me a princess when i was young, i idolize and loved you with all my heart. but you left me with someone else - you choose someone to be with over raising me. i was left with my 3 monkey brothers where dad was always blaming me over for not taking care of my brother and i cried almost everyday everytime when i came back to school because i couldn't take the pressure when my dad is trying to turn me into a 'mom' and take care of my brothers. so i thought the best way to stop the heartache, i punched the walls instead and going school the next day with a swollen fist. everyday crying and truly wished that i could have an elder brother because if i had an elder brother, all this responsibility won't be pushed on me.. how i wished that i had one, but i know i can't cause i was born first *lol*


this go on for few years and i started to hate this house. if it's even possible i didn't even want to come back to this house because 3 of my aunties who aren't married just have too many time to boss around us and giving harsh comments about us and all the shouting and fighting and quarreling just wouldn't end.. 

but mom, im not sure where were you when all of that happens.. maybe your having a romantic candle light dinner or .... tsk tsk* how i wished you never had left us..
but perhaps this was destined and it's sure that... this is my life - it was meant to be.
but i guess, things could have been better if you would choose to be with us and go through all this problem with us instead.. :)

so yes, i guess i don't like you very much.. :) because you've never stop cutting scars on my heart..

but i hope u have a good life. 



truly,
ruiyee

losing control ?

Dear readers,

indeed, it's been a while. recently, i dont feel as happy as i used to be and i wouldnt choose to find out what started it cause perhaps i already knew it from the start. being me, it's hard for me to detached once im attached. perhaps, i dont feel like going of my comfort zone but i have been in it for quite a while now.

thinking of what had brought me to this day. i could only blame everything around me for bringing me here. i could blame everything on earth! but then in the end, the answer would still lead to 'myself' cause i was the one making all the decisions. so can i hang on to the phrase that says 'everything happens for a reason? what had happen was actually MEANT TO BE?' i would feel much better tho if those phrases were reliable and that i could hang on to those words when judgement days come. but God, i feel like a lost child walking inside a complicated maze and it seems that this maze has no ends. i just couldnt find the way out now.

At the age of 20, coming 21.. maybe God is trying to tell me ' Girl, you've taken the wrong train.. this wasn't the path you should be taking....' being uncertain still .. im totally confused about life, about the so called 'destiny' and 'faith' so im not sure about my destiny and my faith. sometimes, i just dont know what to choose because maybe its my destiny and faith .. as they say 'go with the flow' somehow i ended up here. so maybe all i need is more faith. keep me strong because im such a weaklingggg without you. God is my Strength.

weakness in me

i guess i need to figure somethings out i or i should leave it. after a shocking fact, that had happened recently. i realize that perhaps, i was the one whom started all this. I've grown too egoistic because i started to judge someone when i had no right of. i was pointing at all the faults, all the mistakes of others without taking a peep at the mirror and look at myself. 

i felt that i need to slap myself, to wake myself up. but where does all these come from? really hate that i couldn't control my feelings, especially when i know i shouldn't be feeling that way. but then when i follow these feelings, it just led to more disasters in my life. 

the day that i was looking forward to, would it be the starting point of something bad? i guess, at the same time.. one of the bad thing about myself, is the ability to quickly prejudge things.. using the current situation and picturing it in the future (which had the effect of making the future looks really bad if i'd allowed it to happen now) 

the tools the tools. 

cause totally, i am not 'present' instead, im living in the past & future.

29.03.2013 - a special day

today is a very special day.

because it's his birthday, his 23rd birthday. i guess i felt more excited that he is for his birthday, :) last year kyzkazuya helped me in decorating the candle lights during midnight - we made the candles into words that shows ' =) b'day dayat ' really thankful for kyz helping me out. :)

this year, i was more excited than last year - who knows why. :D i had this plan months before his birthday .. :D when i knew that he loves horses & wanted to ride on them. so this years birthday is going to be a 'double surprise ' as after his work later. probably get him to rest till the right time comes. :D i'd bring him to BEQ where they offers horse riding. its around jerudong - long drive later, but i'd cover his eyes with towel & earpiece in his ears to avoid him knowing where i am bringing him :D

the next surprise will be more challenging because it involves more people - his family. :)
we'd be celebrating at ideal gadong which kyz & i already reserved in advanced. it;d be like just us going for dinner & ending up as a surprise dinner celebration.

hope he enjoys it & didn't suspect anything.

i pray that everything will be going smoothly, no conflicts, and pray for journey mercy on road as i am driving quite a long distance. may it be a blast ! Amen.. :)

my superman :')

my heart doesn't feel content. 

not blaming the environment, but it's a fact that my environment is me.

how we were brought up, i wished we were more of a loving and a caring family rather

than a monster family filled with so many crazy things, i really hate 'them', they way they talked, shout, boss around, judge - i got fed up because they never changed and i've been eating up this shit for more than a decade now. 

went somewhere to takeaway food and just observing the brother and sister smiling & just being so gentle and patient with each other. i really envy them & deep inside me i was wishing that my family would be atleast 40% just like them, i'd be more than grateful.  :') i am already 20 years old & coming 21 by the end of the year. i'm turning into an adult. adult, again i always wished i was a child - a mindless child who didn't knew too much about this world. but time flies, time never wait for anybody. each and everyday we're growing up - my youngest brother is already 13 years old. his a teenager now, the age i always wished i can get back to.

dear dad, i wished that when those crazy people started to attack me. i really wished that your there to protect me but at the same time i knew you incapable of doing that cause i knew you'd get attacked instead even if your trying to protect me. maybe you were always there being my guardian angel, i just never knew nor realize. but i just hate to know that you got hurt, and i really hate them for being so inhuman. i pray that you'll find peace in life, i pray that you'll just simply relax your mind, let go of your worries and stress - simply just enjoy life. 

the stress level, problems, responsibility that falls unto your hand is actually way more than you can handle. but i salute you for always able to be so patient, so calm which are the values i'm trying to learn. always be happy dad, eventho i'm always being upset about how you didn't act as a shield for me when monster attacked me but i truly loved and care for you because no matter what, i know you'll never ever ever leave me & my brothers. So i pray that God will bless you to have a long, healthy & happy life ahead. :) Amen! :) 

#dedicated to my dad

truly yours,

ruiyee

March 2013

Dear readers,

i always mentioned 'time flies' , and it really does.

i just finished watching "Gossip Girl" season 6 & can you imagine that Blaire was only 20 when she started casting Gossip Girl and she's now 26 years old when she finished Season 6. 

Meeting my old classmate last week bring us back to our old school times. it's been 9 years since i knew her, we were like primary 6 back then. the last day of CNY, we had a small gathering at zun's place where aixing, mohin, xuan, machi didi, ahsen, ahroy, one of their TSB friend & chunfatt was there. it was fun cause they were hilarious. 

at this very moment, unlike others whose still in college & university. the life that i am living now is more like earning money and living life. i don't go to work, i do some little business instead to earn money. i am quite satisfy with the income so i intended to stay this way until better opportunity comes. but i guess having tons of money in my saving account doesn't make me feel happy, it does makes me feel more secure that i don't have to worry that i will be poor in the future. but i don't intend to have a very wealthy and luxurious life unless i hit the jackpot & become a millionaire out of a sudden. i would love to have an adventurous life, filled with fun with friends, travelling with love ones, spending time & taking care of cute children of my own (maybe 5 years from now) but yea, traveling or maybe the deeper side of myself actually desires to start a new life somewhere outside of Brunei. :)

maybe a year or two from now, i might want to stay in places like Australia, LA, newyork, London either one. :) Best my love one can join me. :) i just want something new, don't want to stuck here forever, i want something more interesting for my life. :)

well just a thought of sharing my future dreams. :)

20.01.2013

feeling upset, & worst is because i don't really knows why. 

life is really unpredictable.

recently, i kept thinking about life & again the 'purpose' of being alive, being who i am otherwise who i suppose to be. because day after day it's been quite the same .. what's not the same is the new problem that has entered our life when we're not prepared for it.

I'm somehow quite worried about what's coming, tho at first i was quite excited but after learning some facts, i guess i'd rather run away than facing it. because i dislike confrontation & worst is i hate problems. i'd like to live a quite & happy life otherwise a problematic life made me think more ... thinking about what really matters in life & why am i facing all these problems.

my brothers are going through their teenage life, so uncontrollable .. is that what teenage is all about because i could still remember during my teeen i was doing almost the same thing. going out till late night otherwise overnight somewhere else would be even better because i didn't enjoyed being part of this family. I'm not sure what's in it for them but it seems to me that they're living life w no purpose as well.. just like me? maybe..

sometime i thought life sucks, because daily working & earning money , saving them & what's it for in the end? so i guess, we'd better enjoy life.. the moment, being present * and blablabla*

Life is suppose to be something wonderful, it's suppose to be that way & i hoped that it'd be that way for me. a lost sheep a lost sheep a lost sheeep i am..

i guess i need something exciting in my life. i guess traveling is part of the answer.

otherwise i'd plan to be far far far far far far far far away from here. just disappear

that's me, i am always thinking thinking thinking.. that's why i can be bored otherwise i'd be overthinking.. 

truly yours,

ruiyee