picking myself up.

Consider Myself Married, And what i'm doing now is - making the relationship work. Cause you loved me First ;)             


confusion, doubts, insecure, hits me again - i shared my monkey mind, to a point where it's too much for others to handle & i got screwed up. Back then i was sitting trying to empty up the monkey minds and to my surprise which i actually tried to re confirm myself. i saw people getting heartache, holding on their breath & kept their tears back.


i guess, you loved me. ;(

Feeling so so mellow

Feeling so so Mellow,

Hello world, 

i'm wondering where on earth did my part time teacher went to, the guy who taught me many new words is now Gone Missing ! I guess i need to call the Cops ;) evil much ! ;D & hey YOU ! do take care yourself wherever you're at. ;) & enjoy life. 

winter.

dear world, 

I feel so mellow because now that i've decided to stay & seems to be i'm not staying for the right reason and it wasn't totally for myself. what the fish am i doing ? i was given abit of the cold treatment by someone i care, even as i tried to get close to him but he just distanced himself to not get connect with me. I know how is he feeling, i know i broke his heart because over the years he took good care of me. there was this moment where i really felt like crying because i recalled the time when he wore the same shirt, i miss that smile he used to have. - BF

What am i doing ? What do i want in life, i set so many promises and intention moments after moments but which one of those were made because of myself? 

" have a deep realization that the sum of all the values, experiences, contribution are the effort, experiences of everyone around you now, and for some even more." - P

i Guess, i'm just a little kid - who do not what do i want in life yet, tho many have set a future plan for me. but is that what i truly wanted in my life?

My ideal life plan is to have many true friends like family around me, a wonderful family of my own and spending time ,travelling. Living Life to the fullest, spending time with people ;)

im here today, feeling so mellow  - 

what i really wanted to express is , " i miss my smile " , "Stop thinking once in a while, it's Good for your mind, ;) * ""- another advise from P. thanks ;)

i miss being that awesome little Kiddo, perhaps that's one of the Biggest reason i wanted to Go back to CV environment just having my thoughts to be STOP for 3 and a half days. Just stop myself from thinking, stop my self from feeling. Sometimes, i dont think im the right person, Big Fish you know what? i really need to talk to you, so Mr ! do stop the Cold Treatment because i dont like that ;) it affects my warm temperature.

oh God, please take me out of this misery already. Which path am i suppose to take? i felt utterly exhausted, i want to rest in Your Arms.

emotional update ;)

When i thought about you, the awkward feeling hits me. For Myself as a Tan Color Personality, dislike changes and fear changes. So perhaps, this is something that is happening and i'm just learning to overcome and breakthru it. :)


Back in few days ago, i was drown in deep confusion. i was stuck in huge dilemma on whether what decision should i make, whether to leave or stay. It's really hard for me to leave because i developed feelings over the years already, in addition of their love & care and i was utterly exhausted because at a time, i 'choose' to stay, then i also 'choose' to leave, and then i 'choose' to stay. Being so indecisive i can't even choose what i want.


But after alignments, im so sorry that i'm behaving like a child but do allow me as it's my stepping stone to learn & grow. truly appreciate the time & effort !


Dear Mentor, i know how much you cared for me, and wanted to guide me. the gift ;)
you were the one who step up and got me into this place, and im sorry that you were the first to knew about the news. Dear GodMother, Thankyou for screwing me up ! thankyou for your honesty, allowing me to be myself, and willingly to guide me once again. Thank BigFish the Most ! ;) because you see me more than any one else did.




----------


It was so close, and i guess i choose this over ambition, feelings and fear. (world's temptation) Otherwise i should have faith in God. So Lord, tell me what am i doing now ?
I prayed before it happened, and twice directed the same place. I'm very well confused and easily shaken, please show me the way. 

Money & People

Nights world.


This morning, i was still holding on the thought of 'keep going on' ,'do my best', but life is too reality and dont listen to what Jessie J sings because 'Money' do matters at some point for survivor. Babyboyy is just few months old and i need to buy him petrol every once in a while & not long later, he would demand for new shoes(Tyre) and visit the hospital(servicing) .. As a mother of my child i had to think make sure that i'm well enough to take care of him.  So, back to the same thoughts - if it's not satisfied enough, im leaving on a jet plane.


I'm now stuck in dilemma, both world actually.
But i believe that i made both decision right ;) 
In this situation, i decided to leave because im not well appreciated otherwise i'd be shown already. & moreover, i'll give them options, and if the selection resulted the same then i'm more than sure that i made the right choice.


On the other side, i made this decision because honestly i cant define what's between us as well. And you can only choose to explain your true intention otherwise ignoring it & letting it be will lead you back to square one, you need to start facing your problem and overcome those challenges, or you're life will always always be the Same ;) ( awareness, it's true that's why in the other situation i decided to change or else i'd always be STUCK ! )   - so boy, i's still love to appreciate you for all, unless i understand your true intention you will not hear much from me ;) <3 -Wter


Life is Good, Stop living up at the negative side & start creative more new moments.
Life is short, and i love the night spent with hermanos' because within i see the love & care. Appreciate it, and i pray that you guys are the one to be hermanos de por vida <3  -MW


& i love my bitches - Ad & Dza




Dear Brightness,


First of all, i'd like you thank you ! Before i took off, i'd write letters to everyone. I wanna to thank my Godmother, whom i wont be sure whether would she still take me as one because of what i've decided but i truly admire your love to your childrens. My Mentor, it's been almost a year - well more than already but truly thankyou for the care, i have no idea how did that idea came to you, but for me it's the thoughts that count. So, thankyou for the 18th birthday gift tho it's not fulfilled. BigFish, your trust is wonderful ;) Thank you so much for believing in me so much more than anyone did.  


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much love,
itsruismers

happened.

hello world.

i had a long nap today, went to be about three in the morning and i kept myself home till now, six in the evening now. yesterday was an eventful day where after work, i had a long chat with him and having courage to show it all, tho i cared about him but i was being entirely honest the whole time, not being afriad to be judge. yeaa, the clarity that i got is only half of it. so...

right after, tho i was invited for tea with the best buddies.. i went to the big guy's place instead, good to see brother there but big guy wasnt around. somehow, i knew something ain right when the duck gives me the face. oh boyy, back to square one? but this time i ain rescueing cause i have enough as they should own more clarity on what is happening between themselves and if they intended something better then work it out.

i got gifts from the two bunnies who went to ho chi minh .. happy much.

it was an amazing day because i got alot of loves, i got free tickets to park at the arrivals, i got one free coffee for purchasing two, and this was from the cashier, the police brother wants to buy me kfc for dinner. love is all around, smiles.

and for you, thankyou for your time as i enjoyed every moment with you. thankyou for your care, and all the treats, appreciate it. it's great to know more about you as well, and thankyou for all the little sharings. and do know that you're irreplaceable because there's no one else like you. enjoy your moment wherever you may be and takecare of yourself.

thanks for being such a great hermano. 

winter.

well, right now it seems to be

Life is Fun-Tastic ;)

Life is Fantastic, ;)


Indeed what Clov said is true, and surprisingly im witnessing another awesome moment & i was able to receive immediate support & i truly appreciate their help. & if same event falls on me, i'd do the same - be there <3


" what happened today didnt just happened today, it happened 1,000days ago" ;)

Great Night

Hey Peeps,


Hows your day ? i had one slow day, and most of the time i was either sleeping or on facebook. But overall, it's really a slow day and i can feel the difference. I would like work to be challenging, but not emotionally challenging ayte. :) Dear Universe, dont get me wrong . (haha)


& the sweetest word of the day is - when he stood out in the crowd & said "to my little sister over there" - that's one amazing momento ;) thanks hermano.


I felt way blessed ! ;) because tho im dry but there's so many people taking care of me.
imagine, me carrying a hand full of coins by my colleages & i felt like a little sister ;)
went over to the indian shop, i wanted to buy Milo & chocolate but my coins is not enough, there came the indian friend from beside & told his friend that his paying the rest for me. And i was like 'geez, im such a lucky brat' 


talk about being blessed, i wouldnt share too much here but Many Thanks to Winter Bob as well. Do truly appreciate the moment, & enjoyed the company, conversation. your definitely like a hermano, & be yourself cause i shall have no expectation but just acceptance of your authencity ;)


Had a Great Night @ Clov's place. After my sharing of what had happened - He said this 'what had happened today, didnt just happened today'     - and that was really deep to understand, he then finish the sentences with ' it happened a thousand days ago'
As how i show up is really important because of the positive energy that i've been giving for the past 350 days of working, and i've planted all these seeds in everyone. And if i were to be a grumpy or an upset person and i bet no one would even bothers me. 
(thats how clovis explains it & gaved me more insight and understanding) - really interesting.


and there comes the brother who said the sweetest word of the day ;)
i feel like im a little doggy, as how he talked to me - like how people sayang their dogs/puppy (forget it)


cant wait till nov 17-20th Nov cause i maybe AWAY for these few days.
And Please Dont Forget 13th ;) love calls.


much love & have a Great Night