heyy readers ,
today 10th sept 2010 , the muslims friends and stranger are celebrating their new year . (:
selamat hari raya aidilfitri , maaf zahir dan batin .
I personally think its a wonderful tradition when they apologize to each other about any past fault that may offended them without noticing or might hurt them. (: if the whole world cause be so forgiving , I think the world can really be a better place to be .
I had a trobled night last night, Dad and I had a short arguement . I couldnt stand him , I demanded him loudly ' shut up ' I saidd. after that , I grab my headphone and lay down on the other side of the bed. and I wonders deeply , why couldnt I forgive him , why had I react in such a violent way ? I dislike what I did , I dont want to be like this anymore . because this is not how I should behave , God will not be pleased .
I thought of God and I was out of words , I wanted to ask for forgiveness but do I deserve to be forgiven ? These thoughts wonders in my mind for quite a while , I turned to look at my parents I really wanted to cry because they didnt understand the childhood pain I held within. Dad will never understand anything I say , for the whole 9 years for what he had put me thru he never listen to my pain crying out to let him know his hurting me. When I tried to gain his understanding , I feel like stabbing a knife to my heart because his like a rock that I couldnt break thru.
Dad, it was never too pain to be hurt. I was never afraid to fight the war/ overcoming probs with you but you .. I dont know how you treated me that most of my primary school days after school I cry myself to my bedroom with a swollen fist trying to get the pain out of me. And kept asking God why I didnt have a older brother to protect me and be my shield. Maybe you wouldnt treat me this way if I werent the eldest child, maybe I would feel more of your love like my brother did, if im not the eldest child.
My childhood stories were more than that, as thats only 1/6 of the story.
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after awhile , I went up to the computer and start typing how I felt , its about 4-5 pages muchh . and I left it there for my dad to read it the next morning. After finish writing at about 1.30am I sat at the living room alone and started praying. I hope he would read every single word and not just saving it into his pendrive for ent purpose. I just hope that he got his answer by the reason why I seldom talk to him and etc, I just want to avoid all arguements and may time heal us . Now just isnt the right time . My dad and I could never sit down and have a heart to heart conveRsation because his mind was never here with me.he never listen to my heart , he always have that little voice talking in his mind .
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Just this morning , he talked to me in a pleasant tone . Few possibilities , he read or God's help and love. (:
Life was never easy for anyone , everyone . But we must always stay strong, have faith and never give up. Its not the end , (:
I wasnt too frustrated or depressed actually . I didnt have a bad day just because what happen to me and dad last night. im Still going to face the world , with this SMILE ! :D
Im still that little girl whose loves to make the world smile , so peoples . Dont let anything stop you from being who you really are. ( I hope I can overcome every problem and dont let anything steals my smile )
I lost my smile to the world once, but God found my smile and brought it back to me . (: thank you love, esp the wonderful sis and bros.
Smile always,
Always ,
xx' r
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